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THE CHEERY BOOK. 



BY 

JOE KERR, 

Author of " Jests, Jottings and Jingles," " The 
World Over," Etc. 



*&. 



NEW YORK 



COPYRIGHT. 1898. B» 



G. W. Dillingham Co., Publishers, 



MDCCCXCVIII. 

\AU rights reserved.] 



*WVX.^*Vi 



1* 



H777 



TO 
JOSEPH DERRY KERR, 

1898. 



PUBLISHER'S PREFACE. 



Tins volume is properly named " The Cheery 
Book" for it is intended to promote cheerfulness, and 
to dispel gloom, dejection and sadness. 

Joe Kerr and his writings are so well known as to 
need no elaborate introduction. His delightful mer- 
riment and tender pathos appeal to all classes. Al- 
though still a young man, he has been a New York 
favorite for several years. 

The sentiment of all his poems is exquisite, and 
there is not an atom of crudeness throughout the en- 
tire book. The dialect verses are incomparable, inim- 
itable, and genuinely mirth-provoking. 

The collection is new, unique, original, clean, pure and 
good. Mr. Kerr's writings are familiar to readers of the 
" New York Herald.? "New York Journal? "New York 
Commercial Advertiser? "Judge?" Truth?" Leslie s? 
"Boston Herald? " Boston Journal? "Chicago Inter- 
Ocean? " Cleveland Leader? " Omaha Bee? " Collier s 
Weekly? and many other high class journals. 

One of the particularly clever dialect poems in this 

171 



8 PREFACE. 

book is called " Over Behind De Moon." The follow- 
ing is an extract : 

" De ministers dere neffer take a vacation ; 
De business men haf no base-ball recreation, 
Und lawyers oud dere all die of starvation — 
It's — Over Behind de Moon." 

Another worthy of special attention because of its 
naturalness is entitled, "On the New York Elevated 
in August." It is certain to appeal to all New York- 
ers. 

" A Marrying Man," and " Bill," are very funny and 
replete with subtle wit. 

4S He Hadn't," is another gem. It begins, 

" If Loitering Luke had a had a rich dad. 
He'd 'a made a sure hit in this world, not half bad — 
But he hadn't :" 

" Angel-Land — A Lullaby" and 'In Babyville " 
are of a different order and in their daintiness show 
the wonderful versatility ot the author. 

" The Stream of Life," and *' Perfection " are made 
up of beautiful and delicate touches, while " Dead — 
A Tramp," and " The Prayer of the Dying Girl," stir 
the innermost heart with their pathos. 

Poems grave and gay, ridiculous and thoughtful, 
humorous and pathetic, are included in this charming 
book. 

Many of the poems are uproariously funny, and 



PREFACE. 9 

display unusual shrewdness in lighting up the foibles 
of human nature. From first to last the book is 
thoroughly enjoyable. The reader who appreciates 
spontaneous, vivacious, and original humor, fresh and 
sparkling, without the slightest taint of coarseness or 
vulgarity, and with just an appetizing dash of satire, 
will be delighted with " The Cheery Rook" The 
practical reader, too, will find some good, plain com- 
mon sense embodied in Mr. Kerr's verses. 



CONTENTS 



Dot Baseball Game 






Page 
• 17 


Naughty Nell 
Mushrooms 






• l 9 

. 22 


Schvear a Leedle Bit! 






25 


" When Worse comes to Worst." 






27 


Verses Versus Reverses 






28 


Helen 

Marigold 

Geographical 

Ink .... 

The Eleventh Commandment 






29 

31 

32 
33 
35 


Ready Made 
Voices of the Night 






37 
38 


Were You 






40 


Porklet's Soliloquy 
Slumberland 






42 
44 


A Battery Park Remark 

Life 

A Feminine Bouquet 






46 
48 
50 


"Bill." . 






5i 


An Agnostic 






55 



12 



CONTENTS. 



The Seasons 

A Marrying Man 

An Engagement Ring 

A Waltz Street Soliloquy . 

On the New York " Elevated ' 

Addition and Distraction . 

The Fellow Who Cut Me Out 

I Swear 

I Never Had 

Pneumonia . 

Toddle and Dawdle 

Bliss .... 

Bankrupt 

Reflections of a Mirror 

She Stoops to Conquer 

The Count's Confession 

Happiness 

Over Behind De Moon 

New Vimmens 

Bill V I 

Chappie Chatter 

That Little Orphan Brat 

To His Cigarette 

" You Git up !" 

He Hadn't 

Jealous Jake 

The European Plan 

Pick'rul ' N' Muskylunge . 

To a Hatpin 



in 



August 



Page 

56 

57 

59 
62 

64 
66 

67 
69 

70 

n 
74 

7 6 

77 
78 
80 
81 
82 

87 
90 
92 

94 

96 

98 

101 

103 
105 
107 
109 
1 1 1 



CONTENTS. 



13 



McLean's Bath 

Unawares 

The Under Dog 

How dat Coon can Kiss 



VERSES SAD-SOMEWHAT. 



Page 
I 12 
114 
Il8 
I20 



The Ex-Burglar 








125 


Tennyson 








128 


Belinda 








129 


Baby's Thought 








131 


On the Birth of Baby Boy 








133 


Mildred 








134 


My Lady 








136 


I'd Love Thee 








133 


The Difference 








139 


Mary 








141 


Beautiful Alpine Rose 








H3 


Velvet Nell 








145 


You 








146 


Sweetheart 








148 


June 








150 


If I Were Rich To-day 








. 151 


Sadie 








• 152 


Grandma's Romance 








• 154 


The Rest 








• 155 


May 








. 156 


Inconstancy To Love 








• 157 


Beatrice 








• 159 



14 Contents. 








Page 


A Brown Study . . 160 


A Rainy Day 






. 161 


Alone 






. 162 


The Prayer of The Dying Girl 






. 163 


On the Death of Gen. Sherman 






165 


Perfection 






. 166 


Dead — A Tramp 






168 


Angel-Land — A Lullaby . 






170 


In Babyville 






172 


The Stream of Life 






175 


The Prayer of an Old, Old Man 






177 


Song .... 






179 


Ever so Long Ago 






181 


Phantomville 






184 


The Safest Safety Wheel . 






186 


I Suppose it is So With You 






188 


" Tom " . 






190 


Cuddledovvntown 






*93 


Skating .... 






196 


" Hunch " and " Hitch " 






198 


Ed . 






202 


My Marguerite 






204 


Those Dear Old Hands 






205 


With Birthday Roses 






206 



VERSES GLAD. 

Directions : — For adults — take one after each meal 
and several on retiring : if you don't improve, double 
the dose and call in the doctor. For children, dilute 
the verses and administer the doses with a slipper or 
hair-brush. 

[15] 



THE CHEERY BOOK 



DOT BASEBALL GAME. 

Who has a birt-cage on his head ? 
A bet-tig on his hand ? 
Who vears a cot-vish down in front 
Pefore de bik grant stant ? 

— Der Kedger ! 

Who gifs der ball von tarn bik tvist 
Unt maigs id valse in air, 
So, ven der padder hits id, hard, 
Der sheebskin iss nod dere ? 

—Der Pidger ! 

Who, ven der padder bangs der ball 
Unt on his stomach schlides, 
Comes down on him, mit hob-nail feet 
Unt puds him oud, pesides ? 

— Feerst Baseman ! 
I'7j 



jg THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Who taigs hot liners— kedges fliess — 
Iss alvays oud of place ? 
Who plays left fieldt und center fieldt, 
Right fieldt und secont base ? 

— Der Schord Schtob ! 

Who iss id, ven der game is tie, 
Tond know vhat he's apoud ? 
Who, ven der home team maigs a run 
Teclares " Der striker's oud ?" 

— Der Umbire ! 



Who vands to breag dot umbire's neg, 
Unt kig his lunks off, too ? 
Who neffer pays, but yells, unt tells 
Der players vhad to do ? 

— Der Rooter ! 

Who is der best team in der leek, 
Mitoud vone leedle doud ? 
Who'll vin der pennand in a valk ? 
Who vont be counded oud ? 

— Der Vinner ! 



NAUGHTY NELL. 



19 



NAUGHTY NELL. 

Th' other day, my mamma said, 

Ef I would comb my head, 

An' wash my face an' hands (with soap !) 

I needn't go to bed 

At eight o'clock. An' so, I did : 

I tell you, I looked fine! 

An' comp'ny come, an' I staid up 

Till nearly half-past nine. 

An' first I pulled the kitten's tail 

An' made it jump on pa, 

An' when the preacher said " My child !" 

I said — " You hold your jaw !" 

An' nen my ma, she took me up 

An' mussed up all my skirts 

In such a way that, even now, 

When I set down, it hurts. 

Before that, we had supper, an 
The preacher, he said grace, 
An' he had asbestos whiskers on 
The front side of his face : 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 

An' when he et his soup he sort 
Of whistled, like a cat, 
An' I tole him mamma 'd spank me 
Ef / made a noise like that ; 

An' he didn't seem to like it — 

Not the soup, but what I said ! — 

An' mamma said she guessed that I 

Had better go to bed : 

But my pa, he rether liked it, 

An' I didn't quite retire ; 

But still I felt all flattened out 

Like sister's punctured tire. 

But then, you know, the preacher's good. 

So he forgave me, quite ; 

An' when I ast him ef he sweared, 

He said " No-o ! That's not right !" 

" But then," said I, " My papa does ! 

An' mamma too, you bet ! 

An' both of 'em plays cards an' smokes — 

Ma smokes a siggerette !" 

An' I was going on to tell 
A whole lot more, like that, 
When ma she up an' bundled me 
To bed, as quick as scat : 



NAUGHTY NELL. 21 

An' there I laid an' sobbed an' cried 
An' wondered what I'd done. 
I wisht that I'd been born growed up 
So's I could have some fun ! 

I don't see why us little folks 

Is always 'bused that way 

Just cause we show how bright we are 

Or have a word to say : 

But jest you wait till I get big ! 

Jest wait till I'm a ma ! 

I'll spank my children awful 

Jest to get revenge on ma. 



THE CHEERY BOOR. 



MUSHROOMS. 

I. 

The browsing cattle kissed the earth 
And gave the snowy mushrooms birth — 

Mush — rooms — birth ; 
Down in the dale where the cows were 

fed, 
While the dreaming world was still abed, 
Short and sweet were the lives they led- 

Lives — they — led. 

II. 

In the self-same field a wartful toad 
Planted toad-stools by the wagon-load — 

Wag — on — load ; 
Then, with a wink in his other eye — 
This wise old toad, in a spot near by, 
Gobbled his breakfast — mostly fly — 

Most— ly — fly. 

III. 

Along came a man, with a pail of tin 
To pack the velvet mushrooms in — 
Mush — rooms — in ; 



MUSHROOMS. 23 

He gathered here, he gathered there, 
Softly singing a mournful air — 
Song entitled — " Golden Stair " — 
Gold — en — Stair. 

IV. 

Soon, with a bucket of mushroom foam, 
Through the slippery dew, the man 
slipped home — 

Man — slipped — home ; 
His good wife cooked those mushrooms 

well, 
Then she rang the breakfast bell 
And onto those mushrooms they fell — 
Rooms — they — fell. 

V. 

Now 'tis whispered 'round the town, 
That she went up, and he went — down ; 

He — went — down ; 
Down to where all fools should dwell 
Who the difference cannot tell 
'Twixt mushrooms and toadstools fell, 

Toad — stools — fell. 

VI. 

The moral to this tiny tale 
Of the mushrooms, man, and pail, 
Man — and — pail, 



24 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Is: Though life is not a dream, 
All things are not what they seem — 
Toodstools have a mushroom gleam- 
Mush — room — gleam. 

VIE 

'Tis a question, sir, of looks, 
Answered not by books or cooks- 
Books — or — cooks ; 
This man may a mushroom be — 
That one ? — Ay! a toadstool he- 
Swallow neither greedily — 
Gree — di — lee. 



SCHVEAR A LEEDLE BIT ! 



25 



SCHVEAR A LEEDLE BIT! 

If everyting tond go yoost right, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 
If pusiness doesn't suit you, kvite, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 
If your head aches fit to sphlit, 
If der baby has von fit, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 

If you catch some nasty colds, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 
If your vife kits mat und scholds, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 
If you can't pay all your bills, 
If you haf der shakes und chills, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 

Peebles dell you yoost to schmile 

Ven der vairlt goes wrong, — 
Keeb on schmiling all der vile, — 

Sing von leedle song : 
All der same, dot's von bik lie 

Vitch goes mit me, nit ! 
/ feel alvays best ven I 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 



26 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Tond schvear all dcr whole tarn time 

Only ven you're mat : 
Vot's der use to kig supblime 

Yoost pecause you're glat ? 
All der schmard men in der vairlt — 

Please tond you fergit — 
Ven misfortune's at dem hairlt, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 

Men vitch sais dey do nod schvear 

Ven tings tond go right, 
Iss pig liars, — you can bet 

Dey yoost schvear insite. 
Ven der vairlt is ubsite down — 

Ven you're nod in it 
If you vould your droubles drown, 

Schvear a leedle bit ! 



WHEN WORSE COMES TO WORST." 



27 




WHEN WORSE COMES TO WORST. 



Behind the darkest cloud, my boy, 
They say there's silver lining : 
Don't be discouraged ! — Be like vie ! 
You don't find me repining ! 
Why, me and Astor couldn't live 
If we gave up disgusted : 
If we gave in as you do, boy, 
We'd both of us be busted. 



28 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



VERSES VERSUS REVERSES. 

A regular man of the world was he ; 
In fact, he'd gone half through it ; 
A poet he, of rare degree 
Although he never knew it, 
Till, hunger pressed, he wrote a verse 
Which from his brain uncurled 
So cleverly it made a soap 
Well known throughout the world ; 
Then, independently he trod 
Seductive Fame's pathway 
And got a stiff neck dodging the 
Good things that came his way. 
You see, the germ was in him, cir- 
cumscribed by circumstance ; 
'Tvvas only needful that he give 
The germ a proper chance. 



It may be in you, too, this germ, 
Germ of commercial verses; 
Developed and let out it may 
Reverse, for you, reverses. 



HELEN. 



2 9 




At six months old she vanquished all for yellin'. 

Who?— Helen. 
At one she was a rosy, cosy bundle, pink and white ; 
At two a cute, a teasing and yet pleasing dear delight ; 
At four, a wayward, roguish, wildly-winsome little 

sprite : 
At six she broke her teacher's heart at school by 
spellin'. 

Who ?— Helen. 



30 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

At eight she entertained and filled with boys our 

dwellin'. 

Who ?— Helen. 
At nine she was the sunshine of our lives, a winsome 

fay : 
At ten she was a bonny, blissful blessing, blithe and 

gay, 
And now at 'leven, — coquettish, captivating, coy, 

Can any say 
What hearts she'll break ere twenty ? There's — no 

tellin': 

O-O-O-Oh. Helen!!! 



MARIGOLD. 31 



MARIGOLD. 



HE. 



Oh ! fragile form with eye of fire, 
With hair of fine-spun golden wire, 
With Dresden China neck and ear, 
With sweet voice, low, enthralling, clear^ 
Thou art a flower of fairest mold, 
Thou art an Eden marigold. 

SHE. 

Oh ! youth of noble fame and frame, 
Of barren purse and baron game ; 
Thy love is sweet — I hold it dear — 
But listen with thy conch-shell ear 
Unto the secret I unfold — 
My papa's rich, yoiid marry gold. 



3 2 JHt: CHEEKY BOOK. 



GEOGRAPHICAL. 

he. {Good). 

I HOLD that hearts are hemispheres ! 
Wouldst have this truth unfurled ? 
Well, when our own were joined in love., 
Did they not make a world ? 

SHE. {Better). 

Ah, there you err, delightful one ! 
To me hearts seem divine : 
When ours were joined together, love, 
A heaven was made of mine ! 

BOTH. {Best). 

True-lovers' hearts, whate'er they be, 
Enwrapped in love's sweet kiss, 
Contain a multitude of joys, 
A Universe of bliss J 



ink, 33 



INK. 

THERE you lie, oh ink. You lie, I say ; 

You lie in front of me in such a way 

As to invite my pen to visit you, 

And thrill this cold and old world through and through 

With secret thoughts which have for ages slept 

Within thy bosom. Oh ! thou rogue, adept ! 

I think and think, 

And the result is — ink. 

Oh, thou black rascal ! Thou deceitful well ! 
Thou hast portrayed the thoughts of others well ; 
Without thee Shakespeare would have been unknown 

to earth, 
Nor Burns nor Byron would have had a literary birth; 
Thou hadst a charity for them — a flow of thought — 
But to poor me, alack! oh ink, thou givest naught ; 

All that I think 
Is simply — ink. 

Thou knowest, guilty liquor, that when in my bed 
I think and dream such thoughts as would arouse the 

dead — 
Would render me immortal and would stick my name, 
Like a filed bill, receipted, on the Binnacle of Fame ; 



34 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

But when I come to thee to set them down in black 

and white, 
Thou helpst me not. I have no thought. I simply 
write. 

Tis hard to think 
When all is — ink. 



THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT. 35 



THE ELEVENTH COMMANDMENT. 

1. 

In ages past, commandments were given unto men 

By which they should be governed. These command- 
ments numbered ten ; 

Thou shalt not steal — thou shalt not kill — thou shalt 
not do a wrong; 

Commit thou nothing criminal ; that thy days on earth 
be long, 

Honor thou thy father and thy mother ; and desist 

From evil thoughts, from evil ways — all evil things 
resist. 

These laws were well — mankind obeyed — they were 
with wisdom fraught ; 

But Nineteenth Century people add another — 

" Don't get caught !" 

II. 

Steal, if you will ; and, further, kill ; or borrow and 

don't pay ; 
Be anything but what you are — play faro, poker, — 

play; 
Be criminal of any sort — be highwayman — be thief — 
Be burglar, actor, lawyer — be a man without belief ; 



36 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Be thou a gay deceiver or a social hypocrite ; 
Be a villain, demon, devil — be all bogus — counterfeit ; 
Be a hardened, cruel father — be a drunkard— be a sot ; 
Observe the eleventh commandment, tho' — remember, 

" Don't get caught." 

III. 

Defraud your friends, abuse your wife, be treacherous 

and vile ; 
Be double in your walk of life — be poor, yet put on 

style ; 
Teach Sunday-school — go rob a bank — spread calumny 

and lies ; 
Envy and covet everything — all manner of good 

despise ; 
Dream not of virtue ; vice embrace — do all this "on 

the sly ;" 
The hypocrite world will say, " How good!" — when 't 

comes your turn to die ; 
And, maybe, in your future life, it may not be too hot 
If you observe this mortal law — namely, 

" Don't get caught." 



READY MADE. 



37 




READY MADE. 

Ah yes, I have a heavy heart 
For Charles and I for aye must 

part. 
The reason ? Well, the reason 

is — 
Tho' he is mine, I can't be his. 
Why not ? He came to press his 

suit, 
And I was eager he should do 't : 
I made an error, for you see, 
I let him win too easily. 
He toyed with my affections 

then — 
Well, then I went with other men, 
And when he found such was the 

case 
He did his utmost in the race. 
Pique ? Perhaps ! No Custom 

Made 
Of me, for him, a ready maid. 



38 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



VOICES OF THE NIGHT. 

Do you ever lie awake at night, 

And think — and think— and think 
Of a hundred thousand foolish things 

Which " hang 'round " midnight's brink? 
And do you at the same time hear 

The hollow, gurgling — gurg — 
Of your stationary wash-stand, 

Like a bungling burglar's burg- 
While the latticed window-shutters flap, 

The sashes (full of pane) ; 
And the myriad voices of the night 

Talk nonsense at your brain ? 
You don't ? — / do. 
And the ghostly, gruesome, groaning 

And the melancholy strain, 
Of that measly, mourning, moaning, 

Gurgling, guzzling water-main, 
Wrap an eerie, iree, ickery, fillacy, 

Fallacy sort of sound 
In the meshes of the midnight, 

Which entwine me round and round. 
My flesh creeps and all in heaps 
Finally sleeps ; 



VOICES OF THE NIGHT. 39 

While the melancholy moaning, 
And the hungry, hollow groaning 

Of the stand, 
Keep my slumb'rous soul a-soaring 
Up and down a raging, roaring 

Night-mare land. 



40 



THE CHEERY HOOK. 




i 



WERE YOU, 



Were you a star, sweetheart of mine, 

Gleaming the dark night through, 

I'd be the Man in the Moon, dear one, 

Ever a-watching o'er you ; 

Were you a comet with trail of light, 

Flying with speed of thought, 

I'd be the lightning flash, my own, 

By which you would be caught. 



WERE YOU. 

Were you the electric sp.irk, dear girl 
That flits through the deep sea's blue, 
Then I'd be the happy cable, sweet, 
That safely carried you : 
Were you a royal diadem 
Worn in a queen's fair hair, 
I'd be content to be a rose 
Sighing and dying there. 

Were you a song of love and joy, 
Thrilling the whole world through, 
I'd be the dear, delirious bird, 
That died in singing you : 
O, I'd be an echo, were you a sound, 
An answer, were you a pray'r ; 
Or I'd be a ship, were you the sea, 
A mountain, were you the air. 

Were you the loveliest girl on earth- 
Perfect in form and style — 
Courted by every manner of man, 
Giving each one a smile : 
Were you a million-heiress, girl, 
But too easily caught, 
I'd be the man to worship you — 
To love and wed you,— not. 



41 



42 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



PORKLET'S SOLILOQUY. 



To wed ; or not to wed : 

That is the interrogative — 

Whether 'tis wiser and more fatherly in 

me 
To hitch my daughter to an English earl 
And thus have title to a name unknown 

to pork, 
Or railroads, bonds or stocks — 
Unknown to labor — all the 
Money-getting hustle I have been ac- 
customed to 
And thousand kindred else things 
Known to business men alone : 
To tie — to bind — to fasten her 
White soul to blood of indigo 
And thus enlink our family life to aristocracy 
And give to him — the earl — the cream of heiressto- 
cracy. 




To marry — wed : Aye, there's the hitch — And yet the 

girl — the daughter 
Is of mind to marry and go two 

And make of me, by law, the pater of an English swell 
Who ne'er hath turned a hand for aught but ill, 



porklet's soliloquy. 43 

Thus leaving me to bear the heart-ache and the 

Thousand-dollar pangs my flesh is heir to. 

Nay, nay, Pearline ! I'll not have it so ! Tho* he — 

this earl — is of all earls most early : 
Thou shalt wed — a journalist. 
One of the sort who'll lend our name 
Such glamour and such big repute 
As no alliance with Pall Mall or Rotten Row could win, 
And I'll endow thee richly with my pork-made gain 
So that his paper and all else of gush America may 

say, 
In type well leaded and spread out o'er many columns 

space, 
11 He is the Prince of Papas " and then add the story 

of the wedding and my wide philanthropy. 

Who would fardels bear ? — or English snobbery and 

the malcontent 
Incumbent on such marriage, 
When a bargain better can be made at home ? 
These, my behests, I'll give to her : and if she prove 

recalcitrant 
I'll will my gold unto the poor and seek the tomb by 

route of Rough-on-Rats or otherwise, 
And in my last breath sigh— 4 ' There's the calamity 

of — So long ! — life." 



44 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



SLUMBERLAND. 



I KNOW a place so far away, 
It is ne'er reached by light of day — 
A drowsy, dreamy city, where 
There is not room enough for care. 

II. 

Would'st wander thither? Come with me ! 
Come ! Let us follow Fancy, free : 
Follow the perfume of the rose 
Into the dream-land of Repose. 
*• # •* x -x- 

III. 

To Slumberland, so far remote, 
We're drifting — drifting. Slowly float, 
Oh boat of Fancy, thro' Cloudland, 
Bear us away into Slumberland. 

IV. 

Listlessly thro' the village of Peace, 
Soft thro' the hamlets of Rest and Ease, 
Loitering, lingering, lazing along, 
Blown by the breath of an echoing song, 



SLUMI5ERLAND. 45 

V. 

Thro' Languortown, thro' Drowsyville, 
My love and I at our sweet will 
Daintily dally in Slumberlartd skies, 
Under the shadows of Paradise. 

VI. 

And oh ! that we might in this realm remain, 

Ne'er to return to life's troubles again, 

But we know that we cannot — we're aroused 

by a shock 
Every morn from a horrible, terrible fool 

alarm clock. 



46 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



A BATTERY PARK REMARK. 

I'm the old cheese box, in Battery Park, 
And all men know me well ; 
I'm the doorstep of America, 
Where none but free men dwell : 
For a hundred years I've held my own 
And I've given the world the gain 
Of many a millionaire whose face 
I never shall see again : 

I'm the old cheese box in Battery Park ! 

My name ? O, 1 beg pardon ! 

My name's Aquarium, of New York, 

Formerly Castle Garden ; 

I've builded the houses you see about - 

I've given all men their wishes 

And now I'm full of regret and woe 

And eels and toads and fishes; 

I'm the old cheese box in Battery Park — 

Aquarium, — what you will ! 

They may change me about, but in my heart, 

I'll be Castle Garden, still ; 

And many a New York millionaire, 

As he walks through my inside, 



A BATTERY PARK REMARK. 47 

Will think of the day when he landed here 
With one shirt to his hide ! 

I'm the old cheese box in Battery Park 

And I wonder why in — well, 

I wonder where they sent for the fish 

That in me dwell and smell ; 

Why didn't they get them here in town ? 

There are plenty of " suckers " and " sharks " 

And " skates," and " crabs," and " lobsters," too, 

In New York's streets and parks! 

I'm the old cheese box in Battery Park 

And I never shall understand 

Why the Fish Commissioners went to sea 

For what they could get on land : 

I may be an Aquarium now — 

'Tis not as I should wish — 

But I shall never hold the half 

Of old New York's queer fish. 



4 8 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



LIFE. 

A man 

A maid 

A tree 

A shade 

A pop— Ah ! 



A pray'r 
Prayed, 
Preacher 
Paid, 
M irried 
Maid 
And man 
Displayed ; 
Poh ! Poh ! 



In honey 
Wade 
Man and 
Maid; 

Ten months 
Fade ; 
Then, 'tis 
Said, 



LIFE. 49 



Man was 

Made 

Pa-pa. 



Baby 

Stayed 

Till twelve 

Were laid 

In the crib 

Where it had played 

Paugh ! Paugh ! 



Man and 
Maid, 

Heads bent- 
Grayed — 

Down life's 
Grade 
Slide, dis- 
Mayed ; 
Stock in 
Trade 
Busted, 
(" Played.'") 
Reason ? 
They'd 
Had too 
Hard to 
Paw Paw. 



50 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



A FEMININE BOUQUET. 

As on the shore we strolled, that day, 

He said I was a sweet bouquet ; 

My eyes were pansies, — roses rare 

My cheeks and golden-rod my hair; 

My waist was as a lily-stem, 

My lips were tulips, and, from them 

Came breath of perfume ; my small ear 

Was quite the graceful Marguerite's peer. 

Sweet were his words in every phrase ; 

His heart, he said, was as a vase 

In which this bouquet should be kept. 

It was, and is ; the flowers have slept 

Within that one for years. They are 

Familiar with the Family Jar. 



BILL." 51 



"BILL." 

I cannot 
Remember 
Exactly where 
I first saw him, 
But I think 
It was in 
New York. 
However, I 

Do remember 

He made a dis- 

Tinct impression on 

Me which I shall 

Not soon forget. 

He had a cold, 
Crisp and stiff way 
About him, and was, 
It seemed to me, al- 
Together " too new " 
And " too fresh." 
Although he was 

In the company of 

Swells I know I 

Considered him " green," 
And better fitted for the 
Society of such as I. 



52 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

It was difficult 
To form his acquaint- 
Ancc, but I did it, 
And, on knowing him 
Better, became attached 
To and loved him ; 

For, tho' he looked " flat," 
I found him square and 

" Worth his weight in gold." 
At any rate, he passed 

For what was good. 

And when he left me 
(He was nervous and 
Never could keep up in- 
Terest long in one 
Place) — when he left me, 
I say, I saw the change 
In him, tho' he paid 

For my dinner. He was 
Absent from me many 

Suns and moons, and 
Tho' I often saw his 

Better half and many 
Of his brothers (they were 
Ever a loan in the world 
And seeking quarter), 
And, tho' I heard of 
Him often under the 
Aliases of " Cold Plunk," 



"BILL. 53 

"Bone," &c, I never came 
Across him again until 
The other day, when I 
Won him away from 

A gambler with whom 

He was associated. 

Bill was a sorry 
Sight — wilted, wrinkled, 
Worn, old, with a dirty 
Face: he was germed 
With disease, was torn 
Up the back and showed 
Much wear and tear. 

I loved him, though, for 

Somehow, he seemed more 
Necessary to my life 

Than ever. He had 

Been a friend in need. 

{My need), therefore, a 
Friend indeed, hence 
Why should I forsake 
Him simply because he had 
Apparently forsaken the poor 
And spent himself among the rich ? 
He had been in touch 

With actors, bankers, 

Drunkards, harlots, gamblers ; 



54 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Had had to do with 

Great speculators and had 

Even been seen for a mo- 



Ment with honest labor- 
ing men. He had never 
Fallen so low as the tramp ; 
Still, he had been in the 
Gutter, from which he was 
Rescued and redeemed by 

A low down street cleaner. 

No matter, though ! He was 

Mine. Mine, mind you ! And 
Could I forget him ? Could 
A mother forget a son, no 

Matter how low he 
Had descended ? No! A 
Thousand times no ! E'en 
As a mother would take 
Her prodigal son unto 
Her heart, so I took 
Him, Bill, unto my 

Breast — my breast of breasts — 
To hold, to keep, until, per- 

Chance, some rude necessity 

Should sunder me from him — 
My Bill, my own one dollar bill. 



AN AGNOSTIC. 55 



AN AGNOSTIC. 

ADOWN the dim depths of the Future, I grope, 

My pathway unlit by that candle of Hope 

Which guides the believer, en route to the grave 

And makes him forever Christianity's slave ; 

That portion of Future which has become Past 

While my life on the earth has continued to last, 

I know of ; with that yet to come — 

The unknown, the unknowable , — I'm stricken dumb. 

I have studied all theories, isms, codes, creeds ; 

All 'osophies, 'ogics, — their roots, branches, seeds ; 

Have looked at the Whichness and Whatness of 

Where, 
Have examined the Wasness and Whyness of There, 
But now with the Butness and Ifness of Hence, 
I'm totally fuddled and " Up on the Fence." 



56 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



THE SEASONS. 

O, SHE was an End-of-the-Century girl — 

A hundred years old, in fact, 

In all the ways of the wicked world — 

Experience, wisdom — tact ; 

Her life was spent in a social whirl, 

A radiant round of joys, 

And such a new-woman — good fellow — was she, 

They called her " One of the boys." 

She wintered in Florida's sunny realm, 

She summered at " Freckle Hall." 

She spent her Spring at Washington 

And in Gotham enjoyed her Fall. 



A MARRYING MAN. 57 



A MARRYING MAN. 

The first girl I married was plain Bessie Brown, 

A sunny and silly sweet thing, 
Who simpered and sighed at being a bride 

And wearing a wedding ring. 

The next was a widow — a Mrs. Malone, 
With seven small boys in her brood ; 

I married this widow for money alone — 
I needed the money for food. 

The next one I wedded was Alice Adair, 

A beauty of fortune and worth, 
She lived but a year — too gentle, too dear — 

Altogether too fragile for earth. 

I married a German then — Gretchen Von Schmidt 
Two hundred and forty she weighed : 

O, she was a cook — not much on the look, 
But a wife who was stolid and staid. 

I married another — a negress was she — 

Her mother a broken-down slave ; 
She was tidy and neat — some distance from sweet 

But she was a wife who could save. 



58 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I then married Mollie — a sister of mine — 
As a wife she was queen of them all ; 

She had lots of children and troubles and joys 
And her home was a Paradise Hall. 

I married my mother — a widow— and then 

I wedded my brother — a man ; 
I married Smith's daughters then — six, I believe- 

And I'll marry six more, if I can. 

A bigamist ? — I ? — Well, what do you think ? 

I married these people for gold, 
For I am a minister, humble and meek, 

And they are all lambs of my fold. 



AN ENGAGEMENT RING. $9 



AN ENGAGEMENT RING. 

RING on, O telephone ; ring, O ring ' 

You noisy, teasing, hateful thing ; 

O, I shan't answer if you burst ; 

So strain and strangle — do your worst. 

What ? Ringing yet ? You will not stop ? 

O, I am tired enough to drop, 

And there is not a servant near 

You wiry thing of tongues so queer. 

You wont be still ? I wonder who 

The idiot is that's ringing you ! 

Well, well, what is it ? Cut it short ! 

Huh ? What ? The milkman ? Not a quart ! 

O, not the milkman. Who wants us ? 

(Say, Central, can't you stop that fuss ?) 

Yes, yes — go on — go on, I say ! 

D'ye want to keep me here all day ? 

Hello ! Hello ! ! Say, who is that ? 

Your voice sounds like a squalling cat. 

Eh? O forgive me! (My! It's John ! 

If he could see what I've got on ! 

Mercy, my hair ! And such a dress ! 
But still he won't catch on, I guess. 



60 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

The telephone makes that old thing true 

About distance and a person's view.) 

Is that you, John ? Go on, John, dear ! 

Your voice comes just as sweet and clear 

As music from some angel's harp — 

I suppose mine sounds a trifle sharp — 

No ? Doesn't it ? You call it sweet ? 

What's that ? That noise ? That's my heart's beat 

At your remark, you naughty man ; 

I'm blushing just as hard's I can. 

What's that? You see me thro' the wire? 

{Heaven forbid ! I shall expire /) 

I'm what ? A bouquet of delight ? 

(O misery ! O bless his sight !) 

You catch the fragrance of my hair? 

(I'm glad I'm here and he is there !) 

My cheeks are roses and their dimples cups 

From which young Cupid honey sups? 

Why, John ! What mean you ? Don't you know— 

(What is it, Central ? Through ? No ! No ! !) 

Oh, do go on, John ! What ? My eyes 

Are floral. tributes from the skies? 

My Dresden-china neck a vase 

Which holds a dainty bouquet-face? 

O John, come nearer ! See ! I swoon . 

Your words come as some heaven-born tune 

That thrills my soul and robs my life 

Of— eh ? What's that ? /be your wife? 



AN ENGAGEMENT RING. 

O, John ! Come closer ! That's right, dear 
Stretch out your lips ; make large your ear ! 
Now listen for a sound like this. 
What is it ? Our engagement kiss. 
What ? You would further osculate ? 
Come down to-night at half-past eight, 
Heigho ! The telephone's the thing 
That gives me an engagement ring. 



62 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



A WALTZ STREET SOLILOQUY. 

To sell or not to sell ? That is the question, 
Whether 'tis wiser in a chump to suffer the chills and 

fevers of a crazy market 
Or put up stuff against a sea of losses 
And, by a closing, end them ? To sell — to close — no 

more — 
And by a sale to say we end the hand-shakes and the 

thousand ticker- 
Shocks a fellow's heir to — 'tis a consomme devoutly to 

be wished. To sell — to close — 
To close ! perchance to lose ! Ah, there's the rub : 
For in that sale what slumps may come 
When we have made our mind up to unload, 
Must give us pause : there's the respect 
That makes calamity of too long holding on ; 
For who would bear his broker's calling " Time !" 
The ticker's wrong ; a winner's cockyness, 
The pangs of dead-wrong tips, the bank's delay, 
The insolence of debtors and the spurns 
That patient merit of the unworthy takes 
When he might make his everlasting pile 
By going short ? Who would carry wheat 
To grunt and sweat under a heavy load 



A WALTZ STREET SOLILOQUY. 63 

But that the thought that the jay West, 
That just discovered country from whose bourne 
No truthful traveler returns, juggles the tape, 
Makes us to think the crop is short and we 
Buy on, perchance, until we bust ? 

Thus Waltz Street doth make asses of us all, 
And thus the native hue of speculation 
Is sicklied o'er with a bull cast of thought 
And enterprises of great point and margin, 
With this regard, their profits turn to rye 
And lose the game in action. Soft you now ! — The 

ticker works ! 
Ye market gods get onto this ! 
Buy me a thousand shares of lead, sirrah, 
And at the market, too, to blow my woozy brains out 

with. 
What ho, without (a dollar)! 



04 



THE CHEERY BOOK, 



ON THE NEW YORK "ELEVATED" IN 
AUGUST. 



/ Whizzing over house 




tops, 
i Rumbling over heads, 
i Rattling over thoro'fares, 
Scrambling over sheds ; 
Jolting over everything 
Living or created, 
Bless me, this is pleasant ! 
On the Elevated. 

(Guard : Fohtee — e — e — 

Stree — e — e 
Letemoff now, letemoff ! 
Nex' A — a — a — a. 
Door : Thrip — bang !) 



Whirling over street-cars, 
Carriages and people, 
Now upon a block's top ; 
Now a church's steeple : 
Sitting, standing on your feet, 
Breathing breath that's baited ; 
Bless me, this is pleasant ! 

On the Elevated, 



ON THE NEW YORK " ELEVATED" IN AUGUST. 65 

(Guard : Eigh' — a — a — Stree — e — e 
Nex' Blee — r — r — r — r ! 
Door : Sip ! Slam — rn — !) 

Hissing, swishing onward, 
Rushing 'round a curve, 
Being screwed all out o' shape 
As you swing and swerve, 
" Hung up " on a leather loop, 
" Strapped " and enervated ; 
Bless me, this is pleasant ! 

On the Elevated. 

(Guard : B — lee — r — r — r ! 

Gwan theer now ! ! 

Letemoff ; will yez ? 

Door : Thr — r — ipp — tchung — whang !) 

Covering " ties that bind " 

Rails and frogs and switches 

Into roads of gold 

For grasping men of riches : 

Rustling, bustling, hustling, 

On we fly, elated, 

O'er the blessed, blasted, 

Bounding, bending 

Elevated. 

(Guard : Gr — a — n — n — n — 
Nex' Fra'k— 1— 1 ! 



Door : SI — si — slsh — Pfp — chu — chuban 



& 



66 THE CHEERY LOOK. 



ADDITION AND DISTRACTION. 

She was one, 

And I was one, 

But wait ! I am not done ; 

For she was won 

And I was won, 

Thus won and won were one : 

Then, being won, 

And being one, 

We one, we won, a wee one : 

We won this one, 

This one, wee one, 
And I'll be switched if I can, mathematically, ex- 
plain how this wee one we won won his wee way ini:o 
our hearts, as he did, and 

Made us three one. 



THE FELLOW WHO CUT ME OUT. 67 



THE FELLOW WHO CUT ME OUT. 

Of course my wife was fond of me 

Along there at the first ; 
But things at home are difTrent now: 

I somehow fear the worst. 
So, lawyer, tell me, as a friend — 

You can, without a doubt — 
Just how to act and what to do 

To the fellow who cut me out. 

The home is just as neat and sweet 

As ever, I must say ; 
My rival, though, is always there : 

She loves him, plain as day ! 
Each afternoon she walks with him — 

I know what they're about, 
And you must help me to get square 

With the fellow who cut me out. 

Why, yesterday, when I got home 

I caught them in the act — 
I saw her lips glued tight to his— 

And this is Gospel fact ! 



68 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I had to seem indifferent, though 
I felt like " all-get-out; " 

I didn't want to have a row 

With the fellow who cut me out. 

So, tell me now, wise legal man, 

Have I grounds for divorce ? 
Or shall I kill the. rascal? Say, 

What is the proper course ? 
Of course he's only one year old — 

A winsome little sprout — 
And he's our son ; but ne'er the less, 

He's the fellow who cut me out. 



I SWEAR. 69 



I SWEAR. 

I SWEAR I'll hit the pipe no more, 

I swear I'll drink no wine, 

I swear I'll steal away from cards, 

I swear the pledge I'll sign. 

I swear I'll use no slang at all, 

I swear I'll forswear lying, 

I swear I'll pay my "I O U's," 

I swear to faith undying. 

I swear I'll smoke no cigarettes, 

I swear I will not chew, 

I swear I'll eat no more mince pie, 

I swear I'll frauds eschew, 

I swear I will not kick or growl, 

I swear that I'll be square, 

I swear I'll be content with life, 

I swear I will not swear. 

I swear I'll owe no man a cent, 

I swear I'll be " O. K.," 

I swear that all throughout the year 

I swear to be a jay. 

I swear I'll be a soft, good thing, 

I swear my hat I'll doff 

To all that's good, but blamed if I 

Don't swear off swearing off ! 



JO THE CHEERY BOOK. 



I NEVER HAD— 

I NEVER had a hundred thous 

And dollars in my life ; 
I never had a family — 

I never had a wife ; 
I never had a household care — 

I never had a knife 
Run into me. I never had 

A single business strife. 
I never had the measles and 

And I never had the mumps ; 
I never had companionship 

With fools or cads or " chumps " ; 
I never had an editor 

" Sit down on me " too hard — 
I never had a royal flush 

That didn't lack a card. 
I never had a pair of shoes 

That didn't hurt my feet : 
I never had a tailor's bill 

That had the word " Receipt " ; 
I never had a razor that 

Would cut a hair in two; 
I never had a sweetheart yet 

Who loved me through and through. 



I NEVER HAD — 71 

I never had good pantaloons 

With all the buttons on ; 
I never had a breath of air 

That wasn't by me drawn ; 
I never had a borrower 

Come up to me and say: 
" Old fellow, here's that ten I owe. 

Obliged to you ! Good day !" 
I never had a thing to drink 

But — liquids mild or strong ; 
I never had a thing to eat 

But — food, that all went wrong ; 
I never had a street-car stop 

For me in any street ; 
I never had ten women say 

" Thank you !" for my seat ; 
I never had a thing to wear 

But — clothes that wouldn t fit ; 
I never had — in " L " road trains — 

A chance to read or sit ; 
I never had a " lead pipe cinch " ; 

I never had a " pull " ; 
I never had a " straight" that was 

Not beaten by a " full " ; 
I never had a happiness — 

A comfort — a delight ; 
T never had a thing on earth 

To do but work — and fight. 



7 2 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I never had a blooming thine 
Go right, but still, you bet ! 

I'm mighty glad I've never had 
My funeral as yet. 



PNEUMONIA. 



PNEUMONIA. 

PNEUMONIA, thou encroaching, catching, trouble, 
Pnew York well pknows thou art consumption's 

double ; 
She pknows thou com'st in stages, hacks, a-coughin', 
And that thou drivest one from cough to coffin. 
Thou pnauty, pnasty, pnerve-destroying pneighbor 
To pneuralgia, pnumb ! — to me thou'rt sore hard 

labor. 
In merry morn, or pnoon, or pnight, thou com'st, 
And, if the way be open, in thou jumpst ; 
Thou stuffst one's lungs, and tubes and pipes and 

head 
With thine own self, until thou hast one " dead ;" 
Then when one's doctor-plumber drives thee out, 
One pays one's bill and clambers " up the spout." 



74 THE CHEKRY BOOK. 



TODDLE AND DAWDLE. 

TODDLE and Dawdle, two sweet little things — 
Are darling earth-angels without any wings ; 
You could not help loving the one nor the other, 
No more than a kitten could not love its mother. 

Toddle has gold in his hair ; and his eyes 

Are tinged with the blues of some fairyland skies, 

While Dawdle is dark — a wee dainty delight, 

With great open eyes which seem born of the night ; 

Toddle's a bundle of nervous unrest, 

Forever at play or forever in quest 

Of mischief or something or other you know ; 

While Dawdle — poor Dawdle ! Well, Dawdle is slow 

Toddle won't dawdle, but toddles all day, 
While Dawdle won't toddle, but dawdles alway, 
And it's far more amusing to see Toddle toddle, 
Than it is to see poor, little, dear Dawdle dawdle. 

Yet if dawdle would toddle a little, I guess, 
And Toddle would dawdle a bit more — not less, 
They both would be better and happier, too ; 
I think so at least. So do others. Don't you? 



TODDLE AND DAWDLE. 



7$ 



Of Dawdles and Toddles the world has too many, 
And yet 'twould hi dreadful if there were not any; 
What I mean is, be neither too fast nor too slow ; 
Don't dawdle — don't toddle — but do both you know 



;6 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



BLISS. 

Ah, what a wife have I, my friend ! 

She bends as do willows bend, 

With perfect ease and matchless grace : 

Bends to my will. Her winsome face 

Is unto me a worshiped shrine 

Haloed with hair auburn, divine. 

Her temper, though, 's of Satan's kind — 

Horrible, terrible, unrefined ; 

And yet, no cross nor unkind word 

Have I from her lips ever heard. 

There's wrapped up somewhere in her soul 

A marked, a marvelous tongue-control. 

Often she's " madder than the deuce " 

And yet speaks not ; for, where's the use 

Of talking to a post or tree — 

A man both deaf and dumb, like me ? 

Our happiness is beyond compute 

For she, like me, is a deaf mute. 



BANKRUPT. *7 



BANKRUPT. 

" WHERE are you going, my pretty maid ?' 

" I'm rushin' de growler, sir," she said : 

" May I go with you, my pretty maid ?" 

" Yes, if you pay, kind sir," she said : 

" What is your fortune, my pretty maid ?" 

" My face is my fortune, sir," she said : 

" Let me look at your fortune," then he cried 

She turned — he looked — then up and died. 
" If that is your fortune, miss," gasped he, 
''What a miserable pauper you must be." 



7S Tin: CHEERY BOOK. 



REFLECTIONS OF A MIRROR. 

'TiS my lot to cast reflections 

On my friends in social life, 
Be they aged, handsome, ugly, 

Youth or maiden, man or wife. 
Not that I at all desire it, 

But that they arrange it so; 
And my criticisms are truthful, 

Both to friendly one and foe. 
I am Hat and frank and honest, 

And I never lie or cheat, 
Yet I've had the whole world bending 

Down and smirking at my feet 
You see, my friends, I'm upright, 

With a face forever bright, 
In which you read my thoughts of you 

According to your light. 
In my way, I am an artist, too, 

Whose portraits, silver-lined, 
Are always hung in boudoirs, 

In most pleasing " frames of mind,' 



REFLECTIONS OF A MIRROR. 79 

Whenever people come to me 

To " have their picture took," 
I always paint it for them 

Just exactly as they look ; 
And, of course, as each one fancies 

That no face is like his, quite, 
I give them satisfaction, full, 

Well tinctured with delight. 
Most people stand before me 

In admiration lost ; 
They wouldn't be without my aid 

No matter what it cost. 
I am petted, fondled, cared for, 

Like a mighty little lord ; 
I cater to folk's vanity; 

I've struck a popular chord. 
And, therefore, friendly vanity 

And I shall sway mankind, 
Till the men lose sight of women, 

And the women are all blind 



80 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER. 

When lovely woman meets a man 
She wants " she stoops to conquer" 
And with him, in his opinions, 
She forever " stoops to concur " ; 
Till, having stooped and bent and bowed 
She's cringed and more than concurred 
She wins — then, " you can bet " 
He is, and she has — conquered. 



THE COUNT'S CONFESSION. 8l 



THE COUNT'S CONFESSION. 

Ina da land ofa da vendetta, 

Where da peop' eat much spaghetti 

An' da nobod' work or fretta 

Hard 'nough to bringa da sweatta — 

Where day all not paya cla debta 

And da lazeroni getta 

Nota 'nough to eat — youa betta ! 

O — dat giva me onea regretta, 

When I dream 'bout my Annetta — 

My own sweeta, goota petta, 

Who hava eyes like one magnetta — 

Blue — like sweeta violetta. — 

Va ! Day stab lika one stiletto ! 

In Italia, my Annetta 

Wait for me : and I — metta 

One rich Newa York girl and getta 

Married asa da Count Spaghetti. 

In Newa York la dream and fretta— 

Smoka my sweeta Cigaretta 

Till my wife die — den, youa betta, 

I go backa to Annetta. 



82 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



HAPPINESS. 



One winter's eve, there gathered at 

A well-known rendezvous, 
Men of various nationalities ; 

I'll imitate a few : 
There were French, Italian, German, Chinese, 

Yankee and negro ; 
There were English, Irish, Scotchmen and 

A Bowery tough or so. 
The most of them drank wine and chaffed, 

Half hidden in clouds of smoke ; 
They discussed all topics of the times, 

Themselves and other folk ; 
But the greatest, grandest subject of 

The evening was, I guess, 
That all-absorbing question, " WJiat is — 
Where is happiness ?" 

II. 

" Veil, py chiminy, sauerkraut, sausage !" said 
The German ; " Choost loog here ! 

I gids mine habbiness von schmoke and 
Finf-unt-schvvanzig lager bier." 



HAPPINESS. g3 

Cried the mick — " I'll not be happy till 

Ould Oireland is free : 
Thin they'll all be djukes and djukesses there, 

Aich wan, incloodin' me ; 
And the whole bright. Imerald Oiland will 

Schlop over wid delight, 
Pfwhin her micks and mickesses can work, 

And drink, ate, schlape and fight." 
Piped the Scotchman, " Mon, ye dinna wha' 

Ye do nor wha' ye say ! 
There's nae happiness oot of Scutland ! There's 

Nae place say blith' and gay !" 

III. 

'•Well, yuh see, ut's jist like dis wit me," 

The tough said, with a grin, 
With hat jammed over his forehead, with 

Bull-neck and stuck-out chin : 
' 4 I ain't got no show to git happy, 'n' I 

Do' want none, eider. See ? 
I ain't takun' no guff frum nobody ! 

Dey hain't no flies on me, 
An' de bloke w'at runs agin me on 

De wrong side of de street, 
An' t'inks he's got holt uv a sucker, 

'Ull git a t'ump in de teet'. 
De only place I knows of dat 

Would suit a jay like me, 
Is de Bow'ry w'ere I gits me jags ; 

Dey's nawthun' like ut ! See ?" 



84 THE CHEEKY BOOK. 



IV. 



" Lats ! Chcssenut !" croaked the Chinaman 

" Melican man no good ! 
No likee lats — no eatee lice— 

Him wantee angel food ! 
Melican man him velly muchee bad. 

You sabee? Him not likee me; 
Him smokee cigalette — no hittee de pipe — 

Him dlinkee too muchee coffee. 
Me washee colla, washee cuff, washee shirt ; 

Me dlinkee Oolongee tea. 
Me gottee piggie-tail ; me livee likee dude 

In my cella, my littee laundlee ; 
Me habe muchee fun — me sabe muchee mon 

Gittee lich — gittee Melican wife, 
Plitty klick me buy tickee — go backa China- 

You bettee you sweet littee life." 



Then the Italian looked up with banana-like smile 

And a Romeo, grind-organ tone; 
"You talka too much, you moona-face man ! 

You maka me sick — maka me groan ! 
You eata da rice and eata da rat ! 

Dat da goota 'nough grub fora you, 
But it killa da whitea man — killa da dog — 

It maka da monk' sick — mea too ! 
Me hava de hap' when me grinda da org' — 

When .me maka da mon' lika da man — 



HAPPINESS. 85 

When mc gitta da plent' maccaroni to eat 

And da bigga, fat, redda banan'. 
No worka to-day, me worka to-mor'! 

Too mucha work maka me blue ! 
When me taka da org' to Italia once more, 

Oat maka de monk' happy — mea too ! 

VI. 

" Avawst there, fellies ! Cawn't you ? Eh ?" 

The Englishman chimed in : 
" England's the land and Lunnon's the town 

To be most 'appy in ! 
The bloomin' place is full of life, 

And money is the leaven 
To make you 'appier, living there, 

Than you would be in 'eavcn." 
" Pardong, Monsieur!" the Frenchman cried ; 

" Heaven is in Paree. 
Ze ladies zere are angels ; and, 

Ze men are all like me." 
" Hold on dere, boss!" laughed Pompey : 

" Happineth ? Bress mah thoul ! 
Thweet wattah-million 'th happineth ! 

Thpethially one dat's stole." 

VII. 

" Wall I snum !" squeaked the Yankee, 

" Yeou fellers think yer smart , 
" Yeou talk about yeour countries in a 

Way that breaks my heart ; 



86 THE CHEERY BOOK, 

And yit yeou're alia living here, 

In free Amerikay, 
The home of happiness and content, 

Because you make it pay. 
To make man happy, make him free, 

And give him lots of room ; 
And make him think, and make him work, 

And make him a bridegroom. 
In this here country you can lead 

The happiest sort o' life 
With a hundred thousand dollars 

And a smart, good-lookin' wife ' 



OVER BEHIND DE MOON. 



87 




OVER REHIND DE MOON 

My name ist Hans Von Hillon ; und,' 
I come, like vone bad shilling phon 
Oud vere de clouds vet vater vas sphillin' — 
It's— Over Behind de Moon. 



I come phon a place called Shadowland, 
Vere dere's neffer a sorrow on any hand, 
For de peebles are ghosts, you understand, 
Und it's — Over Behind de Moon. 



88 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Dey neffer grow veary of life over dere — 
Dey know nuttings of trouble, nor sorrow, nor care— 
Und de vimmens dond bodder aboud vhad dey vear- 
It's — Over Behind de Moon. 

De chentlemens dere are Apollos und such — 
Dey speag no lankwitch — not even de Dutch — 
Do dey ved not for love but for money ? — Not much 
Dot's — Over Behind de Moon. 

In dis land of de shadows, de teeahter hats 
Of the ladies are smaller dan lace lamp-mats ; 
Und Republicans dere are all Democrats. 
It's — Over Behind de Moon. 

De police over dere are as chendle as lambs ; 
De drinking men neffer acquire de James Jams ; 
De vives neffer scold — dey are silent as clams. 
It's — Over Behind de Moon. 

De vimmens dere neffer deceif men nor flirt ; 
De leedle vones neffer cry oud vhen dey're hurt ; 
Dey are all rich as Wanderbild. Still I assert, 
Dot it's — Over Behind de Moon. 

De ministers dere neffer take a vacation ; 
De business men haf no base-ball recreation, 
Und lawyers oud dere all die of starvation- 
It's — Over Behind de Moon, 



OVER BEHIND DE MOON. So, 

In dis land of de skies no vone effer dies ; 
De ladies don'd powder — nobody tells lies, 
Und de merchants get rich, yet dey don'd atfertise 
It's — Over Behind de Moon. 

De peebles don'd use umbrellas, und yet, 
Dey go out in de rain und dey neffer get vet. 
No vone in dat country vas effer in debt — 
It's — Over Behind de Moon. 



Vould you like to be oud in dis peautiful land, 
Vhere you live like a lord vithout turning your hand ; 
Vhere all de surroundinks are lofely und grand 
Une dere's vonderful peebles on effery hand ? 
Vhere dey haf rabid transit ? A navy veil-manned ? 
Vhere political peebles are peaceful und bland ? 
Vhere you neffer get freckled or sunburnt or tanned ? 
Vhere de moosic beats Sousa's or Kappa's bwass 

band 
Und your bvvow is foheffer by anchel vings fanned ? 
Veil, — be choost like me ; und den, pretty kvick, 
You catch a bad cold — und you be pootty sick ; 
Und den, — later on — perhaps pootty soon — 
You kick some buckets ; und, Biff ! — You go 
Over Behind de Moon. 



QO THE CHEERY BOOK, 



NEW VIMMENS. 

I haf de kveerest family 
You effer seen, I bet, 
Und I haf got a goot saloon 
Vitch keebs us oud ohf debt : 

Mein frau, she tends de babies, 
In de goot olt fashioned vay, 
She bosses me und dot saloon 
Und dat's vat makes it pay : 

My son, he iss a female gairl 
Mit schlender vaist, und head — 
He's such a pairfect lady 
Dot I vish dot she vas dead : 

He vears a corset, bangs his hair 
Unt manicoors its nails : 
My female boy's der tamdest fool 
Outside ohf all der chails ! 

My daughter — he, or she, or it, 
(I dond know vitch to say !) 
Iss kvite a manly, up-to-date, 
New votnans ohf to-day : 



NEW VIM MENS. QI 

It schmokes — she trinks — he rides a vecl — 
My daughter, vitch vears pants — 
1 tink she vould vear vitskers, too, 
If he — she had von chance : 

De only peobles in der house 

Dot aind turned downside up 

Iss me und Schneider — dot's my dog — 

Der schmardest kind ohf pup : 

Und Schneider says, new vimmins 
In von hundert years from now 
Vill be de papas ohf de vairlt — 
I dink so, too, somehow : 

But let me die — und Schneider, too, — 
Ve vouldnt vand to be 
De mammas of such childrens as 
Dose vitch pelong by me. 



0,2 THE CHEEKY BOOK. 










BILL 'N' I. 

We wuz, Bill 'n' I, sort of chums at our school ; 
He wuz a smart one ; I, kind of a fool : 
At least all the people, or most all, said so — 
Scholars an' teachers es oughter know. 
Bill took to literatoor — I to the plough, 
And jest take a look at the two of us now ! 
I've got six boys from six feet to so high, 
The foolest of which is as smart as Bill 'n' I. 

Besides that I've got four fine girls and a wife 

'N' other cattle 'n' horses to bless my old life, 

An' Bill has got — Bill's got a good reputation, 

Es big 'n' es wide es all out-door creation ; 

But Heavens and earth, man! What's fame? What 

— is— fame 
But a bubble, er something that seems jest the same ? 
77/ leave something solid when /come to die 
To prove how we differed on earth — Bill 'n' I. 



BILL N I. 93 

To be certain, I'm jest the same age as is Bill, 
'N' I'm stiff and rheumatic, but Bill's limber still ; 
An' he's nagging along making folks laugh or cry 
(People always did hanker to have Bill nigh !) 
But he's bald es a squash while I've got all my hair 
An' money enough for to keep — not to spare. 
They hain't none on earth nor, I guess, in the sky 
So peculiar in make-up as is Bill 'n' I. 

Bill figgers fer glory on earth here : — and I 

Am a-going to wait an' git mine when I die : 

Bill's known thro' the World — I'm not heard of at all : 

Bill's great 'n' I'm little — in fact, I am small : 

I've skimped 'n' I've squeezed 'n' I saved till I'm 

worth 
Es many good dollars es most tillers of earth, 
But the ongrateful world will fergit sech as I 
An' remember jest him, when we're dead — Bill 'n' I. 







94 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



CHAPPIE CHATTER. 




i. 



HEATAH'S boah us, 
Girls adoah us : 
Men, weal men. 
Don't understand 
That owah dwessing 
And clothes-pwessinc 
Make us flowahs 
Of the land. 



Men, weal men, ahe 
Wadishes. Then,— Ah- 
They ahe solid 
Stuff—and — and, 
We'ah the witty 
And the pwitty 
Pehfumed flowahs 
Of the land. 



CHAPPIE CHATTER. 95 

III. 

Men ah pappies, 
We ah chappies ; 
They ah simple, 
We ah gwand. 
We ah woses — 
Othah posies — 
Sweet cut flowahs 
Of the land. . 

IV. 

Men smoke cigahs, 
Wok with figahs ; 
We smoke ciga- 
Wetlets ; and 
We will spoil not 
Foh we toil not. 
We'ah the lilies 
Of the land. 



9 6 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



THAT LITTUL ORFUN BRAT. 




An 
An 



NCT there was a little boy that 
hadn't any pa, 
An' it wouldn't have been 
half so bad ef he had had 
a ma ; 
But he didn't have no ma 
nor pa nor any other 
folks 
To spank him or to box his 
ears or buse him when 
he'd coax 
Fer things they tho't he 
didn't 'serve or ought to 
have at all ; 
An' that's the reason why he 
had to work when he was 
small. 
' he didn't get nice things to eat to make him strong 

and fat 
' they never called him nothing 'cept 

"That littul orfun brat." 



THAT LITTUL ORFUN BRAT. 97 

II. 

An' they put him in the fields to work 'fore he was 

hardly born , 
So one day when he was hung-er-y, he stealed a ear of 

corn ; 
An' so they 'bused him terrible an' sent him off to bed, 
To a room where great big ghostess keep a-walking 

while they're dead : 
An' the skellingtons and ghostess kep' a-walking roun' 

th' room, 
An' a-moaning an' a-groaning in the dark night's awful 

gloom ; 
But it didn't do 'em any good to carry on like that, 
Fer the Lord had heard the prayers of 

" That littul orfun brat." 

III. 

So every day when working he would steal a ear of corn, 
An' take it off into the woods an' hide it — in a horn ; 
An' after that he took to stealing wheat and oats and 

fodder 
(Said he, " me mudder she is dead — I never had no 

fadder "). 
An' then he went to Congress and there stealed from 

Uncle Sam, 
An' when they told him of it, said he " didn't give a 

clam." 
They drove him into being bad — he couldn't be blamed 

for that : 
When sent to Sing Sing you will find 

il That littul orfun brat. 



9« 



THE CHEERY LOOK. 




TO HIS CIGARETTE. 



Aw theah ! my pvvetty, pvvecious cigawette, 
Yoah gwaceful, white-wapped figuah, pet, 
Is lovliah fah. to me, you bet, 
Than maiden eyes, blonde oah bwunette. 



II. 



Yoah tendah lips meet mine, and ah ! 
Sweet inspiwation then I dwah, 
And lovely, languid smoke, yuh knaw, 
Which cawwies my tiahd soul out fah- 



TO HIS CIGARETTE. 99 



III. 



Beyond this wotten wealm of life — 
Beyond this howwid, dweadful stwife 
Foh bweath to bweathe. You ah my wife ; 
Theafoah, I'm not with twouble rife. 



IV. 



I bweathe yoah bweath into my soul ; 
I let yoah smoke-waves thwoo me woll 
You have of me the sole contwol, 
Whethah I sit, wun, wide, oah stvvoll. 



The wohld condemns you, cigawette, 
And says that we ah both " well met " 
But, pehfumed dahling, pway don't fwet, 
Noah chehwish one pooh weak wegwet. 



/am yoah fwiend — we'll die togeathah, 
We'ah stwung as with a stwing of leathah ; 
We'll take no note of men oali weathah, 
But buhn, and smoke, and dwop togeathah. 



* 



IOO 



YOU GIT UP!" IOI 



"YOU GIT UP!' 

THERE'S lots of folks that has good times, 

There's lots that never does; 

But the ones that don't like morning naps 

Is the meanest ever wuz. 

It's very nice to eat a meal 

With pie for its wind-up ; 

'Tain't half so sweet's th' nap pa spoils 

When he yells " You git up !" 

I'd rether lay in bed and snooze, 

Jest one small minute more 

In the morning when the sunshine 

Comes a-sneakin o'er the floor, 

Then to go to Barnum's circus or 

To own a bull-dog pup. 

The meanest thing pa ever said 

Wuz " Come now — you git up !" 

I like to go in swimming, 

And I like to play base ball ; 

I like to fight and fly a kite, 

'N' I sometimes like to bawl ; 

But them there forty w inks of sleep 



102 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Pa tries to interrup' 

Is better 'n' all. It breaks my heart 

When he yells — " You git up !" 

I'd stand the hurt and ache and pain 

And all the smart and itch 

Of having him turn the bed-clothes down 

To wake me with a switch, 

Ef he 'd on'y jest go 'way 

And let me finish up 

The nap I started jest before 

He yelled out " You git up !" 

You bet when I git growed up big 

Es rich 'n' old as pa, 

'N' never haf to go to school, 

Nor work nor stand no jaw, 

I'll sleep all day and all night too, 

And only jest git up 

When I git 'nough sleep to suit me 

Ef all the zvorld yells " You git up." 



TtiE CHEERY BOOK. 



03 



HE HADN'T. 




IF Loitering Luke had 'a had a rich 

dad, 
He'd 'a made a sure hit in the world, 

not half bad — 

But he hadn't : 

If he'd had a " straight flush " in the 

game of Draw Breath, 
He'd have won all Life's Jack Pots, 

clean up to his death — 
But he hadn't : 



If Luke had 'a had any hunks of good luck, 
He'd 'a swum in the River of Life like a duck, 
But he hadn't : 

If he'd had a good head -you can't never tell, — 
He might wrote a book and he might made it sell, — 
But he hadn't : 



The world has too many such Lukes, who think Luck 
Is the creed they should follow, not work, nor yet 
Pluck : 



104 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

They want to live easy on swell Swagger Street 
With nothing to do but to breattie, drink and eat 
I, myself, am a Luke who no chance ever had 
To show what he'd done, if good luck he'd a had, 
Which he hadn't. 



JEALOUS JAKE. I05 



JEALOUS JAKE. 

Gee ! I wish't I was a rock, 

Yonder on the hill, 
Doin' nothin' all day long, 

On'y settin' still ; 
Jest soliloquizin' like, 

For a century, 
On the ups and downs of life. 

Chumps these mortals be ! 
Human bein's work an' toil, 
Fuss, and fume and frt-t, 
Then they die ; but thar's th' rock, 

Jest th' same, you bet. 
Rocks don't have no discontent ; 

They don't notice things 
Which would make 'em like mankind, 

Full of sufferings ; 
They jest set an' set an' set, 

Soakin' in th' sun ; 
That's th' kind o' job / like ! 

Work like that is fun ! 
Trampin' 's all right — in its way — 

Still, I'd rether be 
Like a rock thar — in a trance — 

Restiri constantly. 



106 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Lazy ? Me ? Well, / do' know ! 

1 m too strong to work ! 
Like a rock, 1 seldom move — 

Hurts me jest to shirk. 
'F I could have my way on earth 

I'd be like a rock ; 
Wouldn't eat, nor sleep, nor stir — 

Wouldn't walk — nor talk ; 
Wouldn't even dream — or breathe- 

Darned ef I would wash! 
I'd just lay still a thousand years 

An' rest myself b'gosh ! 



THE EUROPEAN PLAN. 



°7 



THE EUROPEAN PLAN. 




CH ! Be-dad it bates the divil 
How some hotels in Nhu 

Yark 
Fade, an' shlape, an' shkin 

the people, 
Wid a shilver knife and fark: 
Shure phin Oi foorst kim 



among thim 



I had plenty of good lip, 
Butbegar! ut's now, all liver, 
And begobs ! Oi've losht 
me grip. 



Yis, ut's wan t'ing phin yure atin' 
And another phin yuh shlape, 
For they makes their charges double 
Phin yuh t'ink they will be chape. 
Ye sthep inshide th' dure 
Av an atin' house t' ate, 
An' th' atin's all in wroitin' 
Whech they bring you on a plate : 



108 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Thin, phin yez 'ave ycr stomach 
Full enough to schare yer purse, 
Ye pays yer bill and steps out 
Falin' bad— ut maybe worse, 
Becase ye've lift yer farchune 
Ahn th' inshide av th' place; 
Thin phin yez want to go to bed, 
Ye musht shlape " an yer face." 

Ut do shure bate the divil 
How they roon thim hotels here, 
Phwether uts phwiskey thut yure afther 
Or a glass av lager beer ; 
Ef ut's atin', or ut's lodgin', 
You're apayin' phile you're stayin' 
And that's the raison phy, Oi t'ink, 
They calls 'em Your-apayin'. 



PICK'KUL 'N' MUSKYLUNGE. 109 



PICK'RUL 'N' MUSKYLUNGE. 

WULL, I dunno — you take a day like this, 
Clear, 'thout no clouds tuh black up things, 
'N' jest 'nough coolish breeze tuh blow '11' kiss 
Yer cheek 'n' raise yuh's if you had some wings- 
'N en git a boat, an' bait, V tackle, too, 
'N' start out drinkun' ozone like a sponge 
Wull, — city sport may do for setch es you, 
But / like ketchun' 

Pick'rul 'n' muskylunge. 

Thousan' Huns? — Jest the place, you bet ! 

Saint Lornce river's awluz full of fish, 

'N' jest es smooth, 'n' blue, 'n' clear, 'n' wet 

Es any river water yuh cud wish. 

Game fish ? Be they ? Wull, I don't care who 

Sez they hain't :— way they pull 'n' plunge 

Mightn't be no fun fer people setch es you, 

But I'm fer ketchun' 

Pick'rul 'n' muskylunge. 

'N en cookun' dinner on th' rocks thar, too ! 
Fun ? Hungry ? — I cud eat th' rocks thurselfs 
Sometimes, 'n' en not have anuff tuh chew — 
Them Ilun rocks is all piled up in shelfs! — 



HO THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Now every word I say is gospil true ! — 
I druther git on them thar rocks 'n' lunge 
Into th' ole Saint Lornce then tuh do 
An'thing 'cept ketch 

Pick'rul 'n' muskylunge. 



TO A HATPIN. 11 



TO A HATPIN. 

I would I were a hatpin, 
A long and slender hatpin 
Within Anita's hair ; 
No matter how she bent me, 
Provided she ne'er lent me, 
I'd be contented there. 



Who wouldn't be a hatpin 
Provided it were that pin 
Anita loves to wear ? 
To be so close as that pin 
(E'en sweet Anita's hatpin) 
I'd any danger dare ! 

O, long and slender hatpin, — 

Do you know where you 're at, pin, 

Stuck on Anita's head ? 

I'd be an autocrat pin, 

A swell, aristocrat pin, 

Were I there in your stead. 



112 



THE CHEEKY BuOK. 



MCLEAN'S HATH. 




McLean is cleanly, that is 

true, 
And be it further said, 
That every night he takes a 

bath 
Before he goes to bed. 
No matter what the circum- 
stance- — 
No matter what the hour, — 
He sobers up, ere he retires, 
With frigid plunge or shower; 
The other night he went 

home late — 
He'd kissed the flowing bowl 
To such extent that walking 

was 
With him a twisted roll ; 
His wife, asleep, with light 

turned down 
Was wakened by the fuss 
McLean created, in his bath, 
With many a spluttered cuss ; 



Mclean's bath. i 13 

She turned the gas on and sat up 

As Mac came into view 

When, with a hie ! and leer, he said : 
' H'lo ! m' dear, zhat you ?" 
" Of course, it's me ! who'd you expect ?" 

Said she, with frozen face : 

With towel across his shoulders and 

With laughable grimace, 

Mac looked her over and remarked : 
" Jesh had a nicsh cold bash, 

An' now I'm rubbin' down myshelf 

Wizh zish here towel of crash !" 
" Well, said his wife, with smile concealed,— 
" Go back and soak your head 

And take off those wet underclothes 

Before you come to bed !" 



ii4 



THE CHEEKY E-OOK. 



UNAWARES. 




ONCE they was a man 

Without no hairs ; 

And his head was shiny 

and smooth, 
Just like a egg that's fresh 

from the layers 
And his mouth only had 

one tooth, 
And some wicked, wicked 

boys 
Met this poor old man, 
And they telled him to 
'•Go up, Bald Head!" 
But they didn't see the 

bears, 
Comin' on 'em unawares ; 
So now the bad boys is 

dead. 



UNAWARES. 115 

II. 

And at a other time, 

Some Philistine folks, 

'At lived where Samson did, 

Was hotty, and was proud, 

And was always makin' jokes, 

'Bout the Samson's family kid ; 

So what did Samson do 

To bring 'em to time, 

But hit 'em with a jawbone on the head ! 

And that was worst than bears 

Comin' on 'em unawares 

For now the bad folks is dead. 



III. 

And once they was a man 

Called Jonah, for short, 

That wouldn't do no work for the Lord, 

And he tumbled off a boat 

'Bout a mile from port, 

And got swallered by a whale for reward 

But he tasted awful bad, 

And it made the poor whale sick 

So he landed poor Jonah on his head, 

And they wasn't any bears 

Comin' on 'em unawares ; 

But Jonah and the whale both is dead. 



I l6 THE CHEEK V BOOK. 

IV. 

An' they was a other man named Dan-i-yell 

What was much too good for to eat ; 

For they thro wed him in a den 

Where some lyings was, but then, 

Danny was the wrong kind of meat ; 

For the lyings smelt around 

On the floor and on the ground 

An' they didn't touch his feet nor his head ; 

But ef any big bears 

Had come on 'em unawares 

You bet the big bears 'ud be dead. 



v. 



An' they was a other woman 

An' they was a other man, 

What lived a long time ago : 

An they lied all day 

An' they lied all night, 

Like people does now, you know , 

An' once, they told a whopper — 

A reg'lar clock-stopper — 

An' they got it right here, near the head, 

An' when the big bears 

Went to catch 'em, unawares, 

Ananias and Sophira was dead. 



UNAWARES. 117 

VI. 

An' once they was a woman, 

An' once they was a man, 

What lived in th' Garden of Eden - 

An' they diddunt do no work, 

An' they diddunt wear no clothes, 

An' they diddunt pay nothin' for their feedin', 

But Eve, she et a apple 

An' lost her job, 

For a serpent, he turned her head ; 

An' when the big bears 

Went to eat 'em unawares, 

Both Adam an* Eve was dead. 



VII. 

So if any little girls or any little boys, 

Or folks that's growed up big. 

Don't stop a-being bad. 

And a-making so much noise, 

And p'etending they don't care a fig, 

They'll find that after a while — 

Jest es like es not — 

Maybe when they jest went to bed, 

They'll be some awful bears 

Com in' on 'em unawares ; 

And then the bad folks '11 be dead. 



I 1 8 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



THE UNDER DOG. 

I PITY the man who is in distress — 

I'm for the under dog ! 
Though he make of life a woful mess, 

I'm for the under dog ; 
Be he a man without friends or purse, 
Let him remember it might be worse, 
Let him not dispair on his mournful jog; 

I'm for the under dog ! 

The upper dog doesn't always beat — 

I'm for the under dog ! 
He often fails though his own conceit ; 

I'm for the under dog ! 
Let the under dog just watch and wait ; 
A time may come, ere it be too late, 
When he'll find his fortune has been inco^ 

I'm for the under dog ! 

Many there are who never succeed— 
I'm for the under dog ! 
Because they never have tried to lead ; 
I'm for the under dog ! 



THE UNDER DOG. 1 19 

They seem to forget that, to win the fight, 
They've got to hustle, with all their might. 
And climb up out of the failure-fog : 
I'm for the under dog ! 

O, under dog, you have need of friends, 

I'm for the under dog ! 
And you'll get them, too, till your struggle ends ; 

I'm for the under dog ! 
Just battle along, like all-possessed ; 
You'll feel, if you fail, that you've done your best 
To scramble out of Mis-fortune's bog 

I'm for the under dog ! 



120 THE CHEERY I5QOK. 



HOW DAT COON CAN KISS! 



He ain't yallah, he is brack, 

Wiv a long an' bony back, 

But, Golly ! How dat coon can kiss! 

His feet goes all de gaits, 

An' his eyes, dey isn't mates, 

But, Golly ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

When de kissin' game he's pushin' 

Den his lips is like er cushion, 

Golly ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

When dat niggah shet's he's eyes 

Den yo' tas' ob paradise, 

Lorda massa ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

CHORUS. 

If yuh wants to heah ob kissin' 

Why des' listen, listen, listen, 

Twell I tell yuh what dat coon can do, 

His uppah lip point no'f, 

An' his undah lip point souf, 

An' bofe ob clem is moist wiv honey dew 

He done grapse yuh roun' de wais' 

An' he smooves yo' velvet face 



HOW DAT COON CAN KISS! 121 

Wiv he's kissah while he squeezes yuh, like dis ! 

Dere am gobs ob niggahs biggah 

But wiv him dey cuts no figgah 

Gosh a-massy ! How dat coon can kiss! 



II. 



Dis coon aint got no chahms 

On de outside ob he's ahms 

But, Lawdy ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

He don't take no sudden grip 

On a lady's ruby lip — 

Lawdy! How dat coon can kiss! 

He des kiss huh heah an' deyah, 

On de eye an' on de haih — 

Lawdy ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

An' when huh gig-lamps glisten 

Den huh lips are glued to his'n, 

Hallelujah ! How dat coon can kiss! 

CHORUS. 



III. 



Oddah coons may know dier books 

An' dey may be great on looks — 

O, Hebbens ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

But dis niggah knows de way 

How to take yo' breff away — 

Glory ! How dat coon can kiss ! 



122 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

If he evah kisses you 

No one else will evah do — 

Glory ! How dat coon can kiss ! 

Dat coon don't know no mo' 

Dan de handle on de do' 

But Bress yo haht ! He do know how to kiss ! 



VERSUS SAD— SOMEWHAT. 

[123] 



THE EX- BURGLAR. 1^5 



THE EX-BURGLAR. 

I HAVEN'T burgled any since 

A year ago to-day, 

And the reason for it 

Came about this way ; 

'Tvvas just the night when Santa Claus 

Was running things himself, 

And I might have knowed 

I wouldn't git no pelf ; 

I sneaked into a handsome house 

The night was growing late — 

And was hunting round the 

Dining room for plate, 

When, suddenly, I heard a noise 

Which made me pull my gun 

And point it where I thought 

I heard some one ; 

With my finger on the trigger 

I was ready for a fight, 

When a baby voice said sweetly 

Through the night : 

" Say, Santa Tlaus, I fink you're mean, 

To teep me waiting so ! 

I 'spected you a hour or two ago: 

I didn't hear no reindeers and 



126 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I didn't hear no noise ; 

Say, — where is all your 

Bundle full of toys ? 

My papa's dawn to heaven 

An' my mamma, she's asleep 

An' I wish you'd fill her 

Stocking up a heap. 

Turn i Huwwy up, ol' Santa Tlaus ! 

Dere's no one here but me 

And mamma who's too 

Sound asleep to see !" 

Well, — say ! The kid kep' talking 

Till she got me all unmanned 

And then she came and 

Took me by the hand : 

" Dear Santa Tlaus," she prattled on 

" My mamma says dat oo 

Is de bestest man in 

All de w r orld, for true ! 

I wish dat oo would wake her up 

An' tell her not to cwy 

So much betaus dcy 

Let my papa die." 

Well, knowing there was not a man 

In all the house to dread, 

I let the child lead 

To her mother's bed: 

" See, mamma, here is Santa Tlaus ! 

Wake up and tell him, dear, 



THE EX-BURGLAR. \2J 

How dood I've been for 'most 
A whole big year !" 

Say ! May the good God bless that babe, 
And keep her pure and white ! 
She cleaned my wicked soul 
Of sin that night ; 
For, there upon a counterpane, 
As soft as angel's breath, 
The mamma lay with- 
in the arms of Death. 
I didn't wake her mamma. I just 
Stooped and kissed the kid, 
And I didn't rob the house ; I 
Simply slid. 

But before I left the room I rocked 
That precious one to rest 
Right here acrost my rough 
And wicked breast : 
Then I laid her on the counterpane, 
Beside the dead one's arm, 
And prayed that God would 
Keep her from all harm ; 
And then I went, — a-chokin' like — ■ 
And wipin' of my eye — 
And if I rob again I hope to die ! 
No, — I haven t burgled any since 
A year ago to-night — 
A baby set me, then, agoing right ; 
And I shall stay right if I starve: 



128 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I'll go beneath the sod 

With conscience clean enough 

To meet my God. 



TENNYSON. 

A harp, whose melody charmed earth. 
Till angels, listening, caught its tone 
And, deeming it of heavenly worth, 
Recalled it to the Master's throne. 



BELINDA. 



2 9 




BELINDA. 

Shredded sunshine, tinged with amber, 

Rich beyond compare, 
Is the soft and silken substance 

Of Belinda's hair : 



Turquoise eyes and lips of rose-leaf- 
Features all of grace, — 

Jewels set in rare complexion, 
Form Belinda's face: 



130 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Drifted snow, of melting softness, 
Without flaw or speck — 

This, in pulsing, rounded whiteness, 
Is Belinda's neck. 

Fabrics wonderful and costly, 

As her father knows, 
When he meets the bills enormous, 

Are Belinda's clothes : 

Kid and cloth and many buttons, 

Laces, if you choose, — 
Narrow soles, with heels of standing, 

Are Belinda's shoes : 

Slender, long, aristocratic — 

This, you'il understand, 
Holdeth my poor heart in keeping, — 

Tis Belinda's hand. 

These few lines describe Belinda — 
Girl superb and grand — 

But the thing I sigh and die for, 
Is Belinda's hand. 



BABY S THOUGHT 



3' 




{ 



rf 



BABY'S THOUGHT. 



When I dot up dis morning 

I fought I'd fink a bit 
About dis boo'ful, grea' big world, 

An' de folks dat live in it ; 
So I dess turned over in my cwib 

And cuddled in a ball, 
An' den I fought an' fought an' fought, 

But couldn't fink at all. 



132 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

De fings would turn into my head 

An' den dey would pop out 
Befo' I dot a chance to know 

What dey was all about ; 
Dess one fought I wemembah, 

An* dat one you must know 
Was nuffin but dese little words : 

I love my mamma so ! 

I twied to fink about my nurse, 

Dat howwid, cross old fing, 
Dat doesn't let me wun and jump 

Nor play, nor anyfing ; 
I tried to fink dat she was dood, 

An' sweet an' kind — but oh, 
De fought would always turn like dis— 

I love my mamma so 

My papa's pretty dood, you know, 

But den he is a man, 
An' mans tan't love us little folks 

As much as mamma tan ; 
An' de on'y fought dat I could fink 

About de folks I know 
Would always turn out dess like dis — 

I love my mamma so ! 



ON THE BIRTH OF BABY BOY. 1 33 



ON THE BIRTH OF BABY BOY. 

The skies are not so blue, my babe, 
As they were yesterday ; 
God used some blue for eyes for you 
That you might see the way : 

In heaven there's less of angel-down 
Than there was yesterday, 
For God used some with which to crown 
Thy dainty head, they say : 

The roses, sweet, are not so pink 

As they were yesterday, 

For God took tints from them, dear babe 

To tone thy precious clay : 

The breezes gentler are, petite, 

Than they were yesterday, 

For God took breath from them, for thee. 

That thou mightst learn to pray: 

There's more of joy on earth, to-day, 
Than there was yesterday, 
For God then showed thy tender feet 
From heaven to earth, the way. 



34 



THE CHEERY BOOK 




J 




MILDRED. 

Dear, delightful, dainty Mildred, 
With her soft, sweet, saintly ways, 

Came from heaven, as comes the sunshine, 
To make beautiful the days. 



MILDRED. 135 

Gentleness and grace came with her ; 

Came there also beauty, rare ; 
And a smooth and silken softness 

Lingered in her lustrous hair. 

All who knew fair Mildred loved her ; 

Queen of winsomeness was she : 
She was " all the world " to others — 

God knows what she was to me ! 



With her, yonder in the churchyard. 

Sleeps my heart— sweet Mildred's dead : 

That, my dear sir, is the reason 
Why I'm forty and not wed. 



136 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



MY LADY. 

A CURTAIN of snow 

With fringe of silk, 

Raised by a lover's sigh, 

Revealing a pure — 

A precious soul, 

And that is my lady's eye ; 

A crescent of pearl 

Of tender pink — 

A pearl without a peer — 

Receptacle 

For Holy sound, 

And that is my lady's ear ; 

Two crimson curves 
Of velvet, rich, 
Which rose-leaves far eclipse- 
Divine abode 
Of kisses, rapt, 
And these are my lady's lips ; 



MY LADY. I37 

A silken web 

Of finespun gold — 

Crown for a queen to wear — 

Web which holds 

My willing heart, 

And this is my lady's hair ; 

A figure of grace — 

Of equipoise — 

A kindly heart and warm — 

Composite of 

Perfections, all, 

And that is my lady's form ; 

Beauty, purity, 

Gentleness ; 

Freedom from sordid pelf — 

God's own feminine 

Masterpiece, — 

And that is my lady's self. 



33 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



I'D LOVE THEE. 




, HADST thou no other charm, 
dear one, 
Than hair kissed by the golden 
sun, 
/ I'd love thee ! 

g Hadst naught save eyes of 

hazel tone, 
\ Dear heart, sweetheart, my 

life — my own, 

I'd love thee ! 

H Hadst but thy graceful, shape- 
ly form, 
Or thy dear kisses, rich and 
warm, 

I'd love thee ! 

Hadst not the crown of wis- 
dom's wreath, 

Hadst only pearls of pearls, 
thy teeth, 

I'd love thee ! 



But thou hast more, dear one, than these ; 
Thou'st every grace e'er known to please, 

I more than love thee . 



THE DIFFERENCE. 1 39 



THE DIFFERENCE. 

(the man.) 

A MAN fell in love. What was that to him ? 

'Twas all. 'Twas the breath of his life —'twas a hymn 

Of the soul, whose music and rhythm and ring 

In sweetness surpassed songs the angels sing. 

He loved. Loved a maiden whose wonderful eyes 

Were to him as the lamps of a Paradise ; 

He loved. That was all, but it filled up his life 

So that all of his thought was of marriage and wife. 

Was she blond or brunette ? Was she beautiful ? 

Rare? 
In the gloss and the glisten of her silken hair 
All the glory of earth was for him. But, again, 
To others, mayhap, she was painfully plain. 
Enough 'twas, for him, that he loved. Yet— he lost ; 
He loved and he lost — and he since has been tossed 
On the winds of Inconstancy— he could not wed 
With a heart and a soul not buried, though dead. 

(THE MAID.) 

A maid fell in love. What was that to her ? 

For the moment, 'twas heav'n. 'Twas a rustle— a stir 



140 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

Of the strings of her heart. 'Twas a vision of bliss 
'Twas a moment of happiness bought with a kiss 
She loved. Loved a man — the only thing 
On the earth in the image of God — her King. 
She loved. That was all — but she never forgot 
That if she lost one others were to be caught. 
Was he handsome and manly and capable — strong ? 
Was he upright and honest ? Had he done no wrong ? 
That was nothing to her. In the. cling of his kiss, 
In his clasp and caress there was nothing but bliss. 
Enough 'twas, for her, that she loved — yet, she lost ; 
She loved and she lost. Has she since been tossed 
On the winds of Inconstancy ? Yes, stricken dove ! 
But they blew her to where she again fell in love. 



MARY 14 ] 






■'-• 



MARY. 

If an angel wilh a vision 

That could pierce the threads of night, 

Were to gaze from heaven's window 

Till the earth should meet her sight, 

My dear sweetheart's gentle face upturned 

In pray'r to heaven, afar, 

Would appear unto the angel as 



142 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

A softly glowing star ; 

If her gentle breath were wafted 

To the angels thro' the gloom, 

It would render heaven sweeter 

With its exquisite perfume ; 

Ah! the sunlight and the moonlight 

Both are jealous of her eyes! 

For there are such tones of light 

In them as glow in Paradise ; 

The red rose lives in envy of 

The tint upon her cheek, 

And sweetest music thrills the air 

If she but sing or speak. 

Dresden China to ihe whiteness 

Of her skin cannot compare, 

Nor fine velvet to the softness 

Of her undulating hair ; 

She is femininity complete — 

Yet masculine, in part, 

For she possesses, — bless her soul ! — 

A man s, — my own whole heart. 



BEAUTIFUL ALPINE ROSE. 143 



BEAUTIFUL ALPINE ROSE. 

HIGH on a mountain's summit sat 

A bowlder, noble, grand,— 

A kingly rock, from whose white throne 

Creation could be scanned. 

The great, wide world was at his feet ; 

He nothing lacked, it seemed ; 

Yet, in majestic loneliness, 

This mountain monarch dreamed ; 

He dreamt in solitude and wept, 

Hieh in his home above — 

Wept o'er his loneliness ; and dreamt — 

Of affection and of love. 

His tear-drops fell in cascades, white, 

Which wove a veil of lace 

Of rare design, which beautified 

The mountain's rugged face 

And lent refreshing moisture to 

The verdure at its feet, 

Amid which drooped a blushing rose 

Of fragance passing sweet. 

She, too, craved love ; but love came not 

Her heart broke with a sigh — 

She pined and drooped in agony, 



144 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

And prayed that she might die ; 

But in the tear-drop of the rock 

Some gentle magic spoke 

A whispered " Hope " unto her heart. 

The word her soul awoke 

And she looked up - far up the height 

And recognized her king. 

Then stretched she dainty tendrils forth — 

Love-arms ; which, following 

His tender glances reached far up 

Across the mountain's face, 

And wrapped the lonesome monarch in 

A sweet, long, love-embrace. 

The sunbeams danced at the wedding feast ; 

The wedding-march was sung 

By myriad birds of million trees, 

Whose delicate branches, hung 

With mistletoe and orange blow, 

Bent gracefully to kiss 

The mountain's pride, the monarch's bride, 

Whose wedding-robe was bliss. 

Oh, theirs was the rarest wedding-day 

The earth had ever known ; 

Queen Happiness blessed the wondrous pair 

And claimed them for her own. 

For years they dwelt in his grand abode 

Mid avalanche, ice and snows ; 

And the offspiring of their union was, 

The beautiful Alpine Rose. 



VELVET NELI 145 



VELVET NELL. 

WHY velvet ? This : there's that in her 
More gentle than a kitten's purr ; 
It is a voice, so soft — so sweet, — 
That when she speaks, Time is too fleet ; 
And I would have him pause a year 
To pour such music in my ear. 
Aye, rich am I, in love's rare spell, 
With dear, delightful, Velvet Nell. 

And then, she has jet, rippling hair ; 
Her gentle eyes, with lustre, rare, 
Mellow and calm, look into mine 
With tenderness soft, sweet, divine. 
Her supple form is full of grace ; 
Queen Beauty framed her oval face ; 
'Twere heaven, for me, fore'er to dwell 
With dearest, sweetest, Velvet Nell. 

Ah, rich am I ! So rich to-day, 
That I could buy the world ; and pay 
For strings of stars with which to deck 
Her graceful arms and beauteous neck. 
My riches are not wealth of gold, 
But wealth of love — love manifold ; 
Wouldst know who thus enriched me ? W< 
Her name, to me, is Velvet Nell. 



146 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



YOU. 

In the consonants and vowels 

Of the alphabet of Life 

There are many golden letters, 

It is true ; 
But there's one whose horseshoe curve 
Sways and thrills my every nerve — 

It is U. 

In Life's wondrous Eden Garden 
There are many graceful trees 
With foliage of most 

Delightful hue ; 
But there's one whose tints and tones 
My soul s color only owns — 

It is Yew. 

In the Shepherd's tender fold 

There are many gentle lambs 

Who white-walled walks of 
Innocence pursue ; 

But there's one whose purity 

Hallows even sinful me- 
lt is Ewe, 



YOU. 

In the fragrant Fields of Love 

Many buds and blossoms grow ; 

They are Beauty's daughters — wonder- 

Ful to view ; 
But there's one beyond compare, 
Which God lets my lone heart wear — 

It is You. 



147 



148 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



SWEETHEART. 

WERE all the dear pet names of earth 

Woven into a rope 
Of love expressions, eloquent, 

Binding their souls to hope ; 
Were " Darling," " Dear One,'' " Dearest Love," 

Links of a long love-chain, 
Holding together hearts and hopes 

Of happy lovers twain, 
The chain would burst asunder 

And the love rope fall apart, 
Before thy magic strength and charm, 

Dearest of names, Sweetheart. 
O, Sweetheart, Sweetheart, happy name ! 

Sexless, born of love, 
Never was heard a sweeter word 

In earth or heaven above. 

" Mother " and " Daughter, ' " Father ' and " Son, 

Are words rever'd and blest, 
But Sweetheart holds a meaning 

Far above, beyond the best ; 



SWEETHEART. I49 

In " Husband " there is wondrous worth, 

There's happiness in " Wife," 
But sweetheart runneth over with the ecstacy of 
life. 

Ambition, Honor, Wealth and Fame 
May throb and thrill the heart, 

But they and all the names of earth, 
Compare not with Sweetheart. 
O, Sweetheart, Sweetheart, word divine ! 

Thou art a flaming coal ; 
Illumining with light of love, 

The windings of my soul. 



150 THE CHEERY BOOK 



JUNE. 

Just now the season of the year approaches, 

When lethargy upon our strength encroaches. 

The street boy's merry whistle wilteth, 

And many a Jack his Jill now jilteth, 

Because he is so tired, forsooth, 

He cannot love : the wretched youth ! 

Business now goes " To the dogs," 

For men are like so many logs : 

And all the living things of earth 

Lop languidly in rank unworth ; 

Repose, tranquility, slumber, rest, 

Cumber the land from east to west, 

And zephyrs make a dust of mud ; 

Leaves leave, flies fly, and buds do bud. 

The dole c far niente of the year — 

Sweet, good-for-nothing time is here, 

And naught but new air can relieve her, 

For June is stricken with spring fever. 



IF r WERE RICH TO-DAY 1 5 1 



IF I WERE RICH TO-DAY. 

If I were rich to-day 
I'd cease this never-ending strife for bread 
Ere all the sunshine of my life were fled ; 
My castles then would be of more than air , 
I'd cut acquaintanceship with trouble — care, 
And there would be no chance for ugly toil, 
My grand ambitions and my hopes to foil, 

If I were rich to-day. 

If I were rich to-day 
My heart should dictate what my hand should do ; 
Good deeds, and smiles, and gold I'd wisely strew ; 
Those souls of many sufferings whom I know 
Would rather suffer torments, far, than show 
That naught on earth is theirs to own, but pride, 
Would learn to know and love me as their guide : 

If I were rich to-day. 

If I were rich to-day 
I'd follow Fancy's footsteps through the earth 
With sober moods, I'd temper joy and mirth, 
And I would toil, rest, do exactly as I chose 
Until, bowed low, 'neath many winters' snows, 
I passed away in consciousness that I 
Had known well how to live, and how — to die ; 

If I were rich to-day. 



152 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



SADIE. 

Lady Sadie-? — Love her?— I ? — 

Certainly. Would you know why ? 

Well, she's good ; and, furthermore, 

She loves me. Eh ? — Forty-four ; 

That's my age. You can't see how 

Sweet Sixteen can love me now ? 

Listen ! This is gospel truth : 

My heart is only in its youth. 

Bald ? — And gray ? — And wrinkled ?■ — Yes, 

Just a trifle, I confess. 

Baldness lends one polish, tho', 

And gray hair, honor, don't you know ? 

Wrinkles ? — -have you ne'er been told 

They are but dimples growing old ? 

Sadie loves me. This I know, 

For she's often told me so. 

Is she a beauty? — No, not quite ; 

There are complexions just as white ; 

Eyes there are which hers eclipse ! 

Other girls have rose-leaf lips ; 

Her cheek is not a "blushing rose, " 

Her teeth not " pearls." — As for her nose, 



SADIE. 153 

Upon it here and there's a spot — 

A freckle — sun forget-me-not. 

She's not " divine," — she's human : — yet, 

She is a dear — a precious pet — 

A girl of strength, and health, and sense, 

Of heart and soul, and innocence. 

How often I've embraced and kissed her ! 

Don't be surprised !— she is my sister. 



154 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



GRANDMA'S ROMANCE 

Had I no romance in my early life ? 

No love affair ? — No Cupid strife ? 

Why, lass, — thou put'st me to the blush ! 

Thou teasing one ! Would'st know ? Well, hush ! 

Ah, silly me ! How 'shamed I feel ! 
Wilt ne'er divulge what I reveal ? 
Well, then — see! — There he is ? 
Was ever eye or brow like his? 

Look, lass ! How fair and frank the face ! 
Is he not noble, manly, full of grace ? 
What's that, lass ? Crying, am I ? No-o ! — 
It's all because I loved him so. 

You see I was but eighteen then, 
And — there ! I see his face again ! 
Smiling upon the pretty wife 
That he has chosen for all life. 

Break my heart, granddaughter? — No, 
Not exactly ; but the blow 
Was severe on two or three, 
Gran 'pa always did love me. 



THE REST. 



155 



THE REST. 

When sombre night sweeps down upon the earth, 
There cometh over all, a drought, — a dearth 
Of goodly light : and, candles, lit of men, 
Strive, without profit, to illumine again 
The shadows which the gloom-gods kindly keep 
To cover man when they would have him sleep ; 
But unwise, nervous, selfish, restless man, 
Striveth t' improve upon great Nature's plan ; 
Striveth to supplant recuperative night with day, 
And run affairs of earth in his peculiar way, 
Thus thinking to enjoy more hours of life 
Laden with happiness and un fraught with strife. 

Vainglorious and unseeing man, desist ! 
And know thou, that the laws of God resist 
Successfully all efforts to reverse 
The workings of His perfect universe. 
Thou'lt find that if thou mak'st thy night all day, 
Throw'st slumber to the dogs, that thou may'st play, 
Tak'st not what time thou should 'st for needed rest, 
Twill " be all day with thee," amongst the blest. 



156 THE CHEERY BOOK 



MAY. 

May —the month when pretty flowers, 

Blossom and bloom because of showers ; 

The fair, mild month in which we'd give 

Our hopes of Heav'n fore'er to live ; 

The month whose perfumed breath we breathe, 

The month whose flowers around us wreathe 

Happiness, hopefulness and content, 

Entwined with sprigs of wonderment 

At thought that we, whose lives have been 

Wintry, and cold, and splotched with sin, 

Are privileged thus to share the fate 

Of Nature's favorites, small or great. 

May's are the days in which all things 

Are lifted up as though on wings; 

May's are the days of pure delight, 

Mav's hours and moments are all white. 



INCONSTANCY TO LOVE. I 57 



INCONSTANCY TO LOVE. 

O WEAVE for me a web of fancy 

Subtle as thought itself, 
The woof of which shall be the love 

That binds us self to self : 

And make me a fret-work, golden, 
Of chaste and happy thought, 

To ornament this web of love, 

This work that you have wrought : 

This scarf of filagreed love and lace — 

This fabric of filmy form- 
This dainty gauze — this essence, mere, 

Shall keep my cool heart warm : 

Shall twine itself about my soul 

As a protecting screen 
'Gainst evil thoughts of you, sweetheart- 

Of you, my own, my queen : 

And it shall be a bandage soft 
For heart-wounds you have giv'n, 

Shall be a lash with which weak doubt 
Shall be from my heart driven : 



58 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

This portiere shall enwrap my life, 
Shall tangle itself anew 

To fit the phases of my moods, — 
Shall hold me true to you. 



BEATRICE. 159 



BEATRICE. 

WHO ? — Beatrice ? — 
Of course she's young, 
Else were my song for her unsung. 
If she were wrinkled, old and gray 
Think you she'd hold my heart in sway 
Do ? — She does as she likes with me. 
For I*m in love with her, you see. 
Help it ! — I ? — I tried, you know : 
But can I check Niagara's flow ? 
Can I put brake upon the gale, 
Or stop the Sun's majestic sail? 
And if I could, and they were sweet 
As love for her, yea, I repeat, 
I'd not the faintest finger raise 
To check them in their sev'ral ways. 
What matter, though she love me not ? 
What tho she be by others sought ? 
What tho' she riches have : and I 
Have scarce enough a coat to buy ? 
What tho' she toy with me and flirt ? 
There's pleasure even in her hurt. 
To love her is enough for me — 
To marry would be bigamy ; 
For she now has a handsome " hub,' 
And I am wedded to the club. 



160 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



A BROWN STUDY. 

" SiIK loves me, she loves me not." 

I pulled a marguerite apart, 
And as the petals dropped, I thought 

How like this flower is my poor heart ! 
Each day of life a petal is, 

And as the days drop into space 
Down go my hopes and up go his — 

My rival with a whiter face. 
There is a shadow in my blood 

Which taints and tinges my pure soul ; 
The sins of fathers since the flood 

Are visited on me. A coal 
Was rubbed against our humble race 

And blackened us long years ago ; 
The shadows linger in my face 

And fill me with a weight of woe. 
Oh ! Would that they had blotted out 

Ability to love, for, then 
I would be free from horrid doubt, 

And could win love as other men. 
The petals — days — are falling fast ; 

With this, " she loves ; ?: with that, " loves not, 
Oh! Cupid, point me to the last. 

I'm nothing — may she love me, naught* 



A RAINY DAY. l6l 



A RAINY DAY. 

The lachrymal glands of the 
Heavens have burst, 
And prodigal tears of woe 
Are coursing down 
Dame Nature's cheek 
Drenching us as they <^o ; 
But when all her sorrow 
Has leaked out in tears, 
And the glint of the sun 
Makes her smile, 
Mankind will be happy — 
Will bottle its grief 
And put all its troubles on file. 



1 62 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



ALONE. 

Where land the ships from foreign coasts, 
Which brings us immigrant throngs and hosts, 

There stood 
A mother, young, and fair and sweet, 
Whose child begged at her weary feet 

For food : 
Lost for a moment from the rest 
Of her companions — hurried West — 

This wife, 
Husbandless, languageless, moneyless, unknown. 
Wept by the wayside, desolate and lone 

In life. 
Those looked, who passed that way, and said, 
" Better for both if they were — dead ;" 

And I, 
Friendless myself, and sad, had thought 
That I, alone, had been forgot 

On high. 
* * * * * 

Ye angels of the Golden City, 

Pray mourn, with me, the death of pity ! 

I own 
I had not, ere this came to me, 
Known what it was to live — to be 

Alone. 



THE PRAYER OF THE DYING GIRL. 163 



THE PRAYER OF THE DYING GIRL. 

Our Father which art in heaven — 

(Her voice was tremulous, low and sweet 

As she knelt at the Master's feet.) 

Hallowed be thy name — 

(The fragile fingers, softly clasped, 

Seemed by the Saviour's grasped) 

Thy Kingdom come — Thy will — be done 

(And her delicate, dainty, graceful head 

Fell wearily o'er the bed) 

On— on earth as 'tis — in heaven. 

Give— give us — this day — our daily bread 

(But the maiden's prayer for bread was vain 

She would ne'er need that again) 

For— forgive us our debts — as we forgive 

Our — our debtors : 

(Faint and yet fainter fell each word 

From lips which scarcely stirred) 

And lead us not into — 

(A sob in the voice of her supplication 

Smothered the word " temptation)" 

But (a whisper came) deliver us from— evil 

(And then, as tho' her soul awoke, 

With tearful smile she spoke) 



164 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



For thine is the kingdom,— the power 
And the — glory, forever, and ever, 
(The pale face drooped o'er the pillow then, 
And God heard the sweet Amen). 



ON THE DEATH OF GEN. SHERMAN. 1 65 



ON THE DEATH OF GEN. SHERMAN. 

And thus to live ! — And thus to die ! 
Dead hero, — Sherman, would that I 
Might, from the pattern of thy life, 
Learn how to conquer in the strife 
The rough world wages 'gainst all men 
From birth, until they're " born again." 
Thy walk thro' life, as all men know, 
Was steady, sturdy — pure as snow ; 
Armies of men rejoiced to be 
With Sherman, " Marching to the sea." 
A mighty nation wept with joy 
O'er victories of her — soldier boy, 
And would have given thee, warrior grand, 
The greatest gift within the land ; 
But thou— more modest, e'en, than brave, 
Desired naught save a soldier's grave. 
Peacemaker, thou : and God hath said : 
Such " shall be blessed " and " comforted ;" 
Ergo, we mourn, but do not weep : 
Sleep with thy God ; in comfort, sleep. 
Men grown great thro' labors grand, 
Are jewels polish'd by th' Master's hand ; 
And thou, dead hero of renown, 
Art jewel worthy any crown. 



l66 THE CHEEKY LOOK. 



PERFECTION. 

ONE soft, still night when all the earth 

A slumbrous silence kept, 
An angel troop, from realms of rest, 

Peacefully earthward swept : 

Winging their way in the white-moon down, 

On through the ether of night, 
Swiftly they swept, with silver stars 

Crowning their brows, as light 

Wherewith to search for that they sought 

Over the face of earth ; 
— A sacred spot in which to hide, 

A something of wondrous worth. 

A gem ? A germ ? A ray of light 

With which to guide men well 
Into the path of rectitude ? 

Out of the way of hell ? 

Nay, none of these ; and yet, them all — 

A quality supreme, 
To attain which, for eons past 

Has been a human dream : 



PERFECTION. 167 

Forthwith they sped from pole to pole ; 

'Round earth, then 'round again, 
Until, at last, they came to halt 

Over a sage's brain ; 

" A fitting receptacle this," one said 

" For our treasure — safe, secure. 
Shall we bury it here in this Kingdom of Thought ? 

Earth has no spot more pure." 

'■' Not so ! Not here !" cried she called Truth, 

" This mind is tinged with doubt ; 
It may not contain this grand degree 

Till that be driven out." 

Anon, they paused and poised themselves 

Over the couch of a King ; 
But the Angel of Wisdom cried, " Not here ! 

We must onward, onward wing." 



And the tired moon slept, and the faint stars fell 
And the night wind kissed the dawn ; 

Yet the wearisome search of the tireless band 
Kept ever on — kept on 

Till, just as the morn was fitting on 

The sunshine, as a glove, 
They found a place for Perfection 

In the heart of my sweet love. 



1 68 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



DEAD— A TRAMP. 

Dead — a tramp ! forty, or thereabouts in years, 
With full beard, grayed and straggling o'er a sunken 

face. 
Friends ?— There were none — there were no tears, 
No tender touches and no prayers to God to grant 

him grace. 
Stark there he lay upon the cold, wet pavement of the 

street ; 
Unkempt, unclean, a loathsome, hideous bundle of 

decay. 
Dead and alone ! — a tramp, a vagrant — mayhap, 

" beat ;" 
A dark, uncanny and uncared-for mass of clay. 
Of Hunger ? — Yes, for Hunger, his arch enemy yet 

friend, 
Had seen the broken heart within and then had 

gnawed 
Into the core of life and brought it to an end 
Hurrying the wrecked soul onward to its God. 
His right hand, as he lay, was half concealed 
Beneath the fold of rags upon the silenced breast, 
As tho' the fingers to the struggling heart appealed 
In one mute, motionless and last request. 



DEAD — A TRAMP. I 69 

Dead — a tramp ! Unsung, unwept, a son of God, 
Gone with a mournful smile upon his pallid face 
To join the throng who have " passed 'neath the rod, 
With halting footsteps they can ne'er retrace. 
Yes, dead ; but pressed within the fingers o'er the 

heart 
A sign— the concentration of a father's earthly love — 
A baby's shoe— a wee, soiled token, but a precious 

part 
Of her whose soul he searches for above. 



lyO THE CHEEK V BOOK. 



ANGEL-LAND— A LULLABY. 

Come, baby, dear, let me rock you to rest, 

Here in your swinging and swaying warm nest. 

Aren't you weary of toddling all day ? — 

Weary of dollies and all sorts of play ? 

Come, then, sweetheart, with your tangled hair tossed, 

Come, be with mamma in slumberland lost. 

Down go the curtains o'er baby's brown eyes, 
Its little soul wanders in dream-paradise ; 
In angel-land, dear, dwells your brother in bliss, 
Oh, bear to him, baby, mamma's tender kiss. 

Wander on, oh, wander on, thro' slumberland in joy, 
And if you meet your brother, greet my darling angel 

boy. 
Tears and kisses, kisses and tears — mamma sends both 

with thee, 
Oh, if you meet our angel, sweet, bring back a kiss for 

me. 

What, baby dear, are you smiling about ? 
Why are your cunning sweet lips in a pout ? 
Have you found brother ? He looks just like you, 
Except that his eyes aren't hazel, but blue. 



ANGEL-LAND — A LULLABY. 1 7 I 

Blessing ! You've found him ! I know by your smile, 
But mamma can wait for the kisses awhile. 

Don't raise the curtains of baby's brown eyes ! 
Frolic with him in your dream-paradise ; 
In angel-land play with your brother in bliss, 
And give him for mamma another sweet kiss. 

Wander on, oh, wander on, in slumberland in joy, 
Whene'er you meet your brother, greet my darling 

angel boy. 
Tears and kisses — kisses, not tears — mamma has many 

for thee, 
If, having met your brother, pet, you bring back a kiss 

for me. 



172 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 




O HAVE you ne'er heard of 
Babyville, 

That wonderful city, just over 
the hi 
Over the hill where the little ones live 
Such as doctors to mammas and papas give ? 
There are millions and millions of children there, 
Pink and white darlings with nothing to wear ; 
They are rounded and dimpled from head to feet, 
Such bundles of sweetness as one could eat: 
Ah, have you forgotten this Babyville ? 
This beautiful city, just over the hill ? 



Don't you remember when you were there ? 
A wee, crowing creature, without teeth or hair ? 
Do you forget that the houses are cribs, 
Whose inmates are babies that never wear bibs ? 



BABYVILLE. 173 

That these houses, in rows, form the beautiful streets. 

And that angels alone are the nurses one meets ? 

Isn't it strange that the people of earth 

Should ever pass out thro' the gateway of Birth, 

If they could remain in this Babyville ? 

This wonderful city, just over the hill ? 

Nobody there ever teases or scolds ; 

The babies are strangers to colics and colds ; 

Measles and chicken-pox never annoy 

The least little mite of a girl or a boy. 

If ever you would at this place take a peep, 

Just open your eyes when you're fast asleep, 

And you'll find that a soft, fleecy cloud kindly rolls 

'Twixt everything rude and these dear little souls 

Who slumber at peace in this Babyville, 

This wonderful city, just over the hill, 

There are cute pickaninnies and papooses, too ; 
There are babies with eyes of black, hazel and blue, 
There are Japanese babies and babies Chinese, 
There are babes of all nations, all styles and degrees ; 
And at Triplet Corners, where Twin Row begins, 
There are thousands and thousands of triplets and 

twins. 
Say, have you forgotten just how the place looks? 
There are pictures of it in all baby dream-books; 
You can get them for nothing in Babyville, 
This wonderful city, just over the hill. 



174 TIIK CHEEKY BOOK. 

The streets in this city have curious names : 

There are Gladys and Harry Streets, Mabel and James ; 

There is Karl Street, and Ruby and Florence and 

Bessie ; 
And, right at the corner of Jack Street and Jessie 
Stands a wee little bit of an empty white cot, 
From which your sweet babe by the doctor was brought 
From this beautiful city of Babyville, 
This wonderful city, just over the hill. 



And you are responsible ; keep its life white. — 
May it be to you ever a joy — a delight ; 
And when you are born again, as you must be 
Ere you dwell in the Halls of Eternity, 
May they lull you to rest in the same tiny cot 
Where formerly slumbered your own little tot. 



THE STREAM OF LIFE. 175 



THE STREAM OF LIFE. 

Let us linger here on the mountain lee 

And gaze on the Stream of Life, 

As it flows from the cradle of Infancy, 

Thro' the magical meadows of Youth and strife, 

O'er the rocks of Misfortune, with roughness rife, 

Till it enters the Old Age sea ! 

How it murmurs along, as a babe new-born, 

This beautiful stream — care free ! 

How it merrily glides thro' childhood's bourne, 

With never a thought of the morrow's morn, 

Laughing the sorrowful world to scorn 

And singing a ringing glee ! 

How it surges and pours thro' the shoals of Youth, 
This turbulent Human Stream ! 
How it reaches the Manhood stage, forsooth, 
How it broadens and crows, in its search for truth, 
And awakes to the horrible fact, uncouth, 
That life is no heavenborn dream ! 

How it rants and raves ! How it twists and curves 

This marvelous stream, sublime ! 

How it sullenly swings and sways and swerves, 



1/6 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

How its good behavior it ill preserves 

'Neath the hand of the Masterful One it serves 

On its way to the Ocean of Time ! 

Serene at last — to the Land of Nod 

The River of Life flows on, 

Subdued by the chastening Hand of God — 

Purified, clear and deep and broad 

It peacefully flows 'neath the magic rod 

That opens the Gates of Dawn. 



THE PRAYER OF AN OLD, OLD MAN. 1/7 




THE PRAYER OF AN OLD, OLD MAN. 



COME, ship of the soul, and bear me hence, 

Whatever be my doom — 
Bear me beyond that barrier 

Which mortals call the tomb: 



78 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I am so weary waiting here, 

So tired of human breath ! 
I long, unspeakably, to know 

The other side of death : 

I've watched thy moorings, Holy Ship, 

For years, with jealous eye : 
Have seen thee take aboard fair souls 

Not yet prepared to die : 
The child, the youth, the middle-aged 

Thou hast claimed for thine own, 
But me — the ready, willing one— 

Thou hast left sad and lone ; 

An old man knows — God knows how well 

What is an old man's worth, 
Who, having passed his usefulness, 

Still cumbereth the earth : 
He is a burden to his friends 

And to himself as well ; 
While waiting for thee, Heavenly Ship, 

His life hath much of hell. 

Come, blessed, beauteous, stately Ship, 

Sail still and safe and fast ! 
Take me aboard and lash my soul 

Close to the Captain's mast ! 
Leave me no longer desolate, 

Wrecked on the shores of Time, 
Bear me on wings of golden light 

To realms of Bliss Sublime ! 



SONG. 



79 



SONG. 

THERE'S a sunbeam in my soul, 

It is love ; 
Like some softly glowing coal, 
It holds me in warm control, 

It is love. 

There's a picture 'fore mine eye 

It is love : 
'Tis a maiden's face, that I 
Shall remember till I die, 

It is love. 

There's a song-bird in my heart 

It is love : 
Sings it lark's or robin's part, 
Ecstasy it doth impart, 

It is love. 



K*4 



f- 




[180] 



EVER SO LONG AGO. l8l 



EVER SO LONG AGO. 

AH, I was as bonny a lad, lass, 

Say those who ought to know, 
As ever trod in the tangled grass, 

Ever so long ago. 

My walk was firm and my figure trim, 
And my garments were cut just so ; 

The lasses, dear, were partial to me, 
Ever so long ago. 

And one — the dearest — queen of all, 
With cheeks of the rose and the snow, 

Captured my fluttering heart one day, 
Ever so long ago. 

Did she love me as I loved her ? 

Was her answer yes, or no ? 
Our wedding occurred on a beautiful day, 

Ever so long ago. 

How well I remember the honeymoon ! 

How I bid the dollars "go !" 
And how little I cared, if they brought her delight, 

Ever so long ago. 



I 82 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

I worked with a redoubled energy, pet, 

Our fortune came sure, but slow, 
And little ones came on the wings of love, 

Ever so long ago. 

Happy ? Contented ? Delighted with life ? 

None on the earth were more so ; 
After the toils of the day there was heaven at 
home, 

Ever so long ago. 

But sorrow came, and the joys of life 
Were crushed with its weight of woe : 

In a fever came Death to our beautiful boy, 
Ever so long ago. 

'Twas hard to believe that a God so good, 

As the one all Christians know, 
Could deem it wise to afflict us so, 

Ever so long ago, 

But we bore the burden and still believed ; 

Our faith held firm, although 
We saw our treasures laid side by side, 

Ever so long ago. 

A bundle of sweets was our baby girl 

Dorothy — last to go : 
The cold earth hid her from mortal view, 

Ever so long ago. 



EVER SO LONG AGO. I S3 

And our hearts congealed and our spirits broke, 

And our tears refused to flow ; 
And my hopes were buried with children and wife, 

Ever so long ago. 

Death came so swift in those early days. 

And now he seems so slow ; 
Would God had ta'en me then, with them, 

Ever so long ago ; 

For, now I am old and sad and alone; 

My head is bowed so low, 
So close to the grave where I fain would have slept, 

Ever so long ago. 



I'm sure there's a hell ! but a heaven ? Ah me 

Do you think I shall ever know 
A heaven so sweet as the one I lost, 

Ever so long ago ? 



1 84 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



PHANTOMVILLE. 




Out in the centre of 
Shadowland, 
In the county of Dusk 
and State of Gloom, 
With mountains of Dark- 
ness on every hand, 
Where never a flower 
was known to 
bloom, 
Where meadows of mist 
and muck and mould 
The bone-covered Val- 
leys of Horror fill, 
In the gruesome grove 
of a skeleton wold, 
Is the goblin village of 
Phantomville. 

The streets are paved 
with the skulls of 
men ; 
The houses are Chris- 
tians' whitened 
bones ; 



PHANTOMVILLE. 185 

The citizens, ghosts ; who, now and again, 
Chant a requiem of sobs and groans ; 

The rattle of death from the ghost of a bird 
On the breath of a breeze of dank air chill. 

Is, with spook-moanings, the only sound heard 
In this uncanny village of Phantomville. 

The ghost of the past lies buried here 

And Family Skeletons roam at will ; 
Abandoned hopes — the Shades of Fear — 

The wraith of Love — all human ill- — 
The chattering, grinning, skulls and bones 

Of every earth-born imbecile, 
Of every creature grim Death owns, 

Abound in this village of Phantomville. 

This gloom-veiled, gruesome, ghostly place, 

This city of horror, whose wails of woe 
Make of man's heart-strings thick grief-lace, 

Was, fellow mortals, I'd have you know, 
Discovered by me. Alas ! My heart 

Is strangely weary, sick and chill ; 
For, since She bade me from her part 

My soul has been in Phantomville. 



1 86 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



THE SAFEST SAFETY WHEEL. 

LIFE, my boy, is a bicycle path, 

And Work is the Wheel you should ride, 

If you would mount to the crest of the hill 
And Coast down the other side. 

Just oil the machine with cheerfulness 
And see that the parts are in trim, 

Then straddle the saddle and pedal on 
With a ready, steady vim. 

Don't start with a rush up the Hill of Life — 

Just pedal a medium gate ; 
Remember that those who '" scorch " at first 

Are likely to finish late. 

Grasp the handle-bars of the Wheel of Work 
With a firm hold — not too tight ! 

Then sit up straight, like a man, and push — 
Push for the Road that's Right 

You may wobble a bit, and punctures, too, 

May cause you to dismount, 
But plug up the holes with smiles and pluck, 

They are the plugs which count. 



THE SAFEST SAFETY WHEEL. 1 8? 

There are other makes of machines than 
"Work"— 

There's the " Idle," the " Lazy," the " Rest. 
And a host of others of tempting style, 

But the one called " Work " is best. 

It's a low-gear wheel, of homely frame, 

But it's safe and sure and strong, 
And the man who rides it persistently 

Can never in life go wrong. 

So straddle the saddle of " Work," my boy, 

And push it along with pride, 
Tiil you get to the top of the Hill of Life, 

Then you'll Coast down the other side. 



1 88 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



I SUPPOSE IT IS SO WITH YOU 

When I was a child I was all the world 

To all the world I knew— 
A mother, a father, a sister dear, 

And a grown-up brother or two : 
I suppose it was so with you. 

No other child in all the earth 
Had dimples or curls so cute, 

And that I had brains most wonderful 
Was entirely beyond dispute. 

I suppose it was so with you. 

Whatever I said, whether goo or gaw, 

Or boo-goo-uggle-ug, 
Was given remarkable meaning, and I 

Was given a kiss or a hug. 
I suppose it was so with you. 

No other babe had such beautiful arms, 
Such perfect wee legs and feet, 

And none of the children ever born 
Were half so precious and sweet. 

I suppose it w r as so with you. 



I SUPPOSE IT IS SO WITH YOU. 1 89 

They were wrapped up in me— I was wrapped 
up in clothes, 

A monarch of absolute rule. 
Alas! for the vanished baby days— 

The monarch is now a fool. 
I suppose it is so with you. 

At least his life is circumscribed— 

Is held in, curbed, and checked : 
He rules no world — a world rules him ; 

He lacks money, love, respect. 
I suppose it is so with you. 

He has learned that most disappointments 
come — 

Now that he is full-grown— 
From expecting more from a heartless world 

Than he did in the days long flown. 
I suppose it is so with you. 



I9O THE CHEERY BOOK. 



''TOM.' 

Come on right into the kitchen, man, 

And set down by the fire ; 
You're cold and ragged and dirty, I know, 

And ain't got much to admire — 
But wipe your feet on the doormat there 

And come inside with me : 
No one goes hungry away from here 

Who asks for charity ! 
Charity starts at home, they say ; 

Well, this is my home, you bet ! 
And many's the tramp I've taken in 

Out of the cold and wet. 
They took me in, too, most of them, 

Robbed me and up an' run ; 
But it didn't make no difference, sir, 

No matter what they done. 
For twenty years I've took in tramps, 

And given 'em such care 
That now I sort o' like 'em — 

Eh ? take this here rockin' chair ! 
Tom used to set there every day 

An' sass an' tease me so 
I'd up an' wallup him, perhaps, 

An' order him to go. 



TOM. 



I 9 I 



" Go anywhere, away from here, 

An' stay there, too," I'd say; 
I meant it then, but, Mr. Tramp, 

It's different to-day : 
The last time that I larruped him 

An' ordered him to " git !" 
He "got," an' — have some more corned beef- 

I-I haven't seen him yit. 
His mother wep' herself to death 

An' my heart nearly broke, 
For from the day Tom run away 

She hardly ever spoke, 
An' I've been feedin' every tramp 

That's come this way since then, 
In hopes that my poor, wandering boy 

Would seek his home again. 
What ? Would I know him — know my boy 

Ef I should see him now ? 
Say ! would a shepherd know his sheep, 

A farmer know his cow ? 
Tom had a mark of strawberries 

Right here, across his chest, 
An' if they was a million here 

I'd know him from the rest. 
What ? You're my boy ? Say, Mr. Tramp, 

Be careful ; don't play smart ! 
You — you are my boy, an' you have got 

Strawberries across your heart ? 



192 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



Say ! Show 'em up ! Well, I declare ! 

That's my boy standin' there ! 
Now let no livin' m in tell me 

That God don't answer prayer. 



CU DP L F DOWNTOWN. 193 







CUDDLEDOWNTOWN. 



CUDDLEDOWNTOWN is near Cradleville, 
Where the sand men pitch their tents ; 

In Drowsyland, 

You understand, 
In the State of Innocence ; 
Tis right by the source of the River of Life, 
Which the Grandma Storks watch over, 

While honey-bug bees, 

'Neath funny big trees, 
Croon Lullabys in sweet clover. 



194 TIIE CHEERY BOOK. 

II. 

'Tis a wondrous village, this Cuddledowntown, 
For its people all are sleepers, 

And never a one, 

From dark till dawn, 
Has ever a use for Peepers ; 
They harness gold butterflies to Sunbeams, — 
Play horse with them a-screaming, 

While never a mite, 

Throughout the night 
E'er dreams that he's a-dreaming : 

III. 

In Cuddledowntown there are Choo-choo cars 
In all of the beautiful streets, 

And round bald heads 

And curly heads 
Are the Engineers one meets ; 
From Piggybacktown to Pattycakeville, 
These cars run, hissing, screeching, 

While wonderful toys, 

For girls and boys, 
Can always be had by reaching. 

IV. 

O, Cuddledowntown is a Village of Dreams, 
Where little tired legs find rest ; 

'Tis in God's hand, 

'Tis Holy Land, 
Not far from Mother's breast, 



CUDDLEDOWNTOWN. I95 

And many a weary, grown-up man, 
With sad soul, heavy, aching, 

Could he lie down 

In this sweet town, 
Might keep his heart from breaking. 



196 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



SKATING. 

Take a day of winter sunshine, 

Calm and crisp and cold and clear 
Take a millpond, like a mirror, — 

Ice so strong one needn't fear; 
Ice that glistens as one listens 

To his glad heart's palpitating : 
Indoor joys may do for others 

But, for me, there's naught like skating. 

Take your sweetheart, — or some other's— 

With her sway and swing and curve ; 
Skating often makes hearts wander, — 

Causes fickle love to swerve : 
Hot-house never grew such roses — 

Winter roses, — captivating, 
As grow in the cheek of maiden, 

Gay and graceful maiden, skating. 

When the swift steel strokes are singing 

Songs of winter's paradise, 
Then it is, that love and lasses, 

Both are better, kept on ice : 



SKATING. 197 



To deserve them, first preserve them 
Far beyond all extricating : 

One can thaw the coldest heart out 
By exhilarating skating. 

Swiftly skating and gyrating 

Over ice that's smooth and new, 
With a maid's heart palpitating — 

Beating Love's tattoo, for you ; 
Though she teases as she freezes, 

Laughingly love indicating — 
Can a man of human feeling 

Be impartial to such skating ? 



198 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



''HUNCH" AND -HITCH." 

Two little hunchback brothers, they, 

Born so, people said : 
But what they lacked in body they 

Both made up in head. 
Bright ? — There were no two like them, sir. 

In all the schools around ; 
They could answer any question which 

The teachers could propound. 
They laughed all through arithmetic — 

With grammar took no pains — 
School studies were as playthings to 

Their acrobatic brains : 
As athletes they were lacking, but 

In other youthful joys 
Both " Hunch " and " Hitch," as they were 
called, 

Were equal to most boys. 
They learned telegraphy so well, 

These crippled fun creators, 
That both of them, ere long, became 

Most expert operators ; 
The kind of operators who 



"HUNCH AND "HITCH." I99 

Can " send " like all creation 
And, at the same time, can " receive " 

And keep up conversation — 
Can smoke a corn-cob pipe and spit, 

With both feet on the table, 
While glancing o'er the paper for 

The latest news by cable. 
Well, being boys who had to work, 

They both got situations 
In telegraphic offices 

At far-off western stations : 
The work came easy to their hands ; 

They made friends, far and near : 
Conductors, brakemen, trainmen all, 

And every engineer 
Grew fond of little " Hunch " and " Hitch " 

And often gave them rides 
Along the prairie stretches, or 

Across the great divides ; 
One night, as " Hunch " sat drowsing in 

His operator's chair, 
A far-off, jerky whistle, faint- 

Ly filled the mid-night air. 
" Hunch " roused himself and listened : he 

Knew well that " Number Eight," 
The Fast Express, from Frisco, 

Was " Reported half hour late ;" 
And that " Hitch " was coming on her from 

A run across the plains : 



200 THE CHEERY BOOK. 

He listened, then, in wonder, as 

The whistle wailed again 
And in its plaintive tones he read 

The alphabet of Morse ; 
" Hold up ! Help !" the whistle called ; 

" Come to the Company's Stores ! 
Robbers, six, on Number Eight, 

Express car loaded rich ! 
For God's sake hurry ! Don't delay ! 

Toot out an answer ! Hitch." 
A panting engine stood without, 

With steam up, hissing, drumming ; 
" Hunch " telegraphed, with whistle toots, 

"We're coming, coming, coming!" 
He told the startled engineer 

The news as on they flew 
With speed of lightning o'er the rail, 

The Company's Stores in view. 
On, on they sped with groan and gleam, 

Each second seemed a year, 
While, through the roar and din and crash 

" Hunch " could his own heart hear : 
They neared the spot — the robbers fled — 

The treasure car was saved — 
Two hundred passengers went wild, 

Hurrahed and cheered and raved ! 
They found the hunchback, " Hitch," upon 

The engineer's high seat, 
Where, unobserved, when engineer 



"HUNCH AND "HITCH. 201 

And fireman made retreat, 
He'd reached up, as the robbers worked, 

All thought of danger scorning, 
And, with the whistle, telegraphed 

To " Hunch " his timely warning. 



They found him there — you know the rest- 

Except, perhaps, this part, 
That little " Hitch," the hero, had 

A bullet in his heart. 



202 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



ED. 

Who ? Ed ? You want to see him ? Ed ? 

Why you must be new about here ! Ed ? Why, Ed's — 

dead. 
Yessir — " pied," " thrown in," like so much type or 

quad, 
Under the eye of that greatest proof-reader — God. 
Friend of yours, was he ? — mine, too ! Good " Old 

English " type ; 
Solid body— clean cut — just exactly the right stripe ; 
Large, square, plain as the Roman nose on your face, 
Ed was. 

There's a new "jour" over there at Ed s case. 

Nothing nonpareil about Ed but habits and health. 

He was diamond italics on morals and wealth, 

But when it came down to heart — capital gothic — that 

was Ed's size. 
Stuck type twenty years without comma or break, till 

his eyes 
Made a colon of six months in his life ; then — well 

then 
Ed had 'em reset — put in brackets — come back again, 
Chewed tobacco, set type, now and then took a brace, 
And now — 

There's a new "jour" over there at Ed's case. 



ED. 



203 



Did the papers say much of him ? — only a " stick." 

But every man here knew that Ed was a — brick. 

We were all there at the ''make ready" — helped 

" overlay " Ed, 
Locked the " form " up for the " press " — full length 

— double-lead. 
Ed was — What ? — Going ? — Can't keep back the tears ? 
Why — look at me, man — I — that is — have no fears, 
But Ed got there. Sorry he's not in — his — place ! 
Good — good morning — 

New " jour " over there— at Ed's — case. 



THE CHEERY BOOK. 



MY MARGUERITE. 

O, YOU should see my Marguerite ! 

She is so winsome, wise and sweet — 

A floweret from the field of love ! 

Voiced like the gentle, cooing dove. 

Her language falls into the ear 

In tremulous sound-waves ; low, sweet, clear ; 

Her dainty foot-falls on the earth 

Are noiseless as a new day's birth ; 

Floats her fair hair in silken fold, 

A winding, grace-born stream of-gold ; 

Through rose red, coral reefs there gleam 

Gem-pearls. Dimples, which tiny eddies seem, 

Flit playfully from cheek to chin, 

And in their whirl my senses spin. 

Her opalescent eye, serene, 

Is to my soul a thralling queen. 



This willowy, witching sprite petite, 
This sweetly-thoughtful Marguerite, 
This perfect maiden, half divine 
Is all my own— my Valentine. 



THOSE DEAR OLD HANDS. 205 



THOSE DEAR OLD HANDS. 

THOSE dear old hands ! Those dear old hands, 

With sinews firm and strong ! 
Can I forget their guiding power 

When I, in youth, went wrong? 

Those dear old hands, those queer old hands, 

With knuckles brown and bent ! 
Can I forget the happiness 

Their tender touches lent ? 

Those hands that once, in bitterness, 

As boy, I criticized, 
I now perceive were blessings, pure, 

From youthful eyes disguised. 

Can I forget how, long ago, 

In fever's dreadful reign, 
Those hands repulsed and vanquished death 

And gave me life again ? 

Can I forget those precious hands, — 

Dear hands of human gold, — 
Which, clasped by God's, but yesterday, 

Were drawn within the fold ? 



2o6 THE CHEERY BOOK. 



WITH BIRTHDAY ROSES. 

Each rose, a year, 
Each leaf a joy, 

For thee, dear heart, 
Without alloy ! 

Each day of life, 
Each golden hour, 

Brings forth, for thee, 
Some happy flower ! 

Each darling dream, 
Each hope of thine, 

Be realized 

Sweetheart of mine ! 

When thy pure soul 
Seeks last repose, 

God grant thee death 
As dies the rose. 



THE END. 



What the Critics Say of 

NEAR A WHOLE CITY FULL 

"Each tale has its lesson, either of comedy or tragedy, 
and in some the climax is so sudden as to be almost a shock 
to the reader. Yet he goes on to the next one with unflagg- 
ing interest, and is not content until he has fathomed all 
their depths and shallows." — Boston Globe. 

"Short, crisp and well written. Those in the lighter vein 
being especially good." — New York Sun. 

"He has struck a new note, splendidly tragic and power- 
ful." — New York Commercial- Advertiser. 

"All the stories have a New York flavoring and are sharp 
and incisive."— New York Times. 

"The book is a se'ies of graphic sketches of novel charac- 
ters drawn so cleverly and so true to nature as to be studied 
with profit and read with interest. Mr. Townsend has made 
some heroic explorations, and his sketches of real characters 
will be a revelation to multitudes who daily walk the streets 
without seeing them." — Chicago Inter-Ocean. 

" The result is remarkably interesting and entertaining 
* * refreshing aud bright . " — Cincinnati Commercial- Tribune. 

" Every page interests." — Hartford Post. 

" The tid^s of life that day and night are drifting toward 
and are whelmed beneath the Bridge of Sighs. Mr. Town- 
send writes of these things with feeling, with reserve, with 
perfect taste and in good English." — New York Mail and 
Express. 

" The corners neglected by ot!er writers are made thesub- 
ect of vivid and interesting pictures." — Troy News. 

" They are tales that move the reader and retain a place in 
his memory." — San Francisco Argoi aut. 

" Something more than a mere source of amusement and 
entertainment to every thoughtful reader."- Boston Courier. 

'•The stories are intensely human."- Boston Times. 

"Universal human nattfre is studied in its metropolitan 
manifestation." — Detroit Free Press. 

"There is a melodramatic touch in most of these little 
tales, but you can't separate either the tenderloin or the 
tenement district from melodrama. The life of both is full 
of surprises, and in the heart even of the abandoned crea- 
tures who have reached unspeakable depths of degradation 
is found love and pity aud tenderness, which Mr. Townsend 
brings out with the skill of an artist."— San Francisco 
Chronicle. 

It is admirably illustrated with fifty drawings, that are 
worked in with the text. Cloth Bound, $1.25. 



G-. W. DILLINGHAM CO. Publishers- 



A CHEQUE 

FOR THREE THOUSAND 



" It's a jolly good story Mr. Arthur Henry Veysey 
writes." — New York Times. 

" Much to be commended. Many people will enjoy 
it." — New York Commercial Advertiser. 

"Abounds in deliciously funny situations." — New 
York Churchman. 

"A capital story." — Philadelphia Bulletin. 

" Bright and clever." — Philadelphia Press. 

" An unusually original novel." — Washington Post. 

"So brisk and breezy is the dialogue and so clever are 
the situations that the book is decidedly interesting." — 
Chicago Tribune. 

" Dramatic, full of life and action, it is a brilliant 
farce from end to end." — Cincinnati Enquirer. 

" Written with vivacity and dash."— Detroit Free 
Press. 

" A series of laughable experiences with a clever cli- 
max." — Boston Beacon. 

" One of the most amusing stories we have read for 
a long while." — Boston Times. 

"It will be mentioned many a time by one who reads 
it when he wants to relate something novel and odd 
among his friends.''-- Toledo Blade. 

" Plenty of fun of a good clean order, with life and 
vivacity enough to draw a recluse out of his cell." — St. 
Louis Despatch. 

" It fulfills Mr. Crawford s requirement that a novel 
should be a little pocket theatre. The pages effervesce 
with life and good spirits." — Clara Louise Burnham, 
author of " Next Door," etc., etc. 

" As interesting as a bright comedy — twice so ; for 
when you've read it once, you read it again." — Edward 
W. Townsend, author of " Chimmie Fadden" etc. 



CLOTH BOUND. PRICE $ 1.00. 
. W. DILLINGHAM CO. 

Publishers, N. Y. 



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